Over-promise and under-deliver. Make a big show about warning her what a giant pain in the ass you're going to be and how sorry you are. Then when all you ask for is less mayo, she'll laugh and tell you a story about the real high-drama folks.
2 (40.0%)

With a big smile on your face, a sickly-sweet "just a leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetle bit of mayo" complete with squint and thumb/forefinger demonstration.
1 (20.0%)

Make some crack about it being "half-mayo" like a "half-caff" or something.
0 (0.0%)

Don't worry about how you come off. It's your sandwich and it's her job to make it the way you want, not judge your character in the process. If you wanted her to apply the mayo with her fingers she should do it with a smile on her face.
2 (40.0%)

THIS is in another castle too, pal.
1 (20.0%)

Couldn't you have put that sign on the front door or something? You had to wait until AFTER I jumped across caverns with lava balls shooting up from them?
1 (20.0%)

You'd better tell me which castle it's in or you're gonna be a mighty fine ragout.
1 (20.0%)

Oh, okay. Well...I guess you can't say I didn't try. Good luck with that whole thing.
2 (40.0%)

Turkey
4 (100.0%)

Ham
2 (50.0%)

Some sort of sausage.
1 (25.0%)

Homemade stuffing
3 (60.0%)

Stove Top
2 (40.0%)

Rice (wild, pilaf or other)
5 (100.0%)

Mashed Potatoes
3 (60.0%)

Green Bean Casserole
4 (80.0%)

Sweet Potatoes
3 (60.0%)

Glazed Carrots
2 (40.0%)

Broccoli
3 (60.0%)

Creamed Spinach
1 (20.0%)

Buttered Corn (for eating the shit out of)
4 (80.0%)

Pumpkin Pie
4 (80.0%)

Apple Pie
4 (80.0%)

Pecan Pie
3 (60.0%)

Other Fruit Pie
1 (20.0%)

Fuck Pie
1 (20.0%)

Cookies
3 (60.0%)

Cake
2 (40.0%)

Natalie Imbruglia.
1 (20.0%)

Lisa Loeb.
0 (0.0%)

4 Non Blondes.
4 (80.0%)

Joan Osbourne.
0 (0.0%)

Bikini Kill.
0 (0.0%)

L7.
2 (40.0%)

Sleater-Kinney.
3 (60.0%)

Bratmobile.
0 (0.0%)

Who's gonna tell women what to read?
3 (60.0%)

How will anyone know when the 5:00 news airs on my local ABC affiliate?
0 (0.0%)

Where will the next TV pop psychologist come from?
0 (0.0%)

This will finally give Judge Judy her much-deserved reign over afternoon daytime television.
2 (40.0%)

Deal.
2 (18.2%)

No deal!
2 (18.2%)

TAKE THE BOX!
7 (63.6%)

Dude, swine flu. Fiona Apple has made some excellent music. I would be willing to have Paper Bag stuck in my head for a month if it meant not getting a cold, let alone swine flu.
4 (40.0%)

Swine Flu symptoms: fever, cough, sore throat, runny nose, body aches, headache, chills, fatigue, diarrhea and vomiting. Fiona Apple infection symptoms: mental repetition of song, humming or vocal outbursts, inability to recall tunes to other songs.
2 (20.0%)

Swine Flu isn't Fiona Apple. And if it's not Fiona Apple, I don't give a shit.
3 (30.0%)

[ANSWER FOR PEOPLE DUMB ENOUGH TO CHOOSE ILLNESS OVER SONG STUCK IN HEAD].
1 (10.0%)

The Ladies Man.
2 (18.2%)

It's Pat.
4 (36.4%)

Stuart Saves His Family.
1 (9.1%)

I'd rather not imply that Night At The Roxbury came from a good skit, but it was a very shitty movie.
4 (36.4%)

Blues Brothers.
4 (36.4%)

Wayne's World.
6 (54.5%)

Everybody hated Coneheads but I thought it was pretty funny.
1 (9.1%)

Um, The Waterboy? That sorta counts, right?
0 (0.0%)

Akroyd/Belushi/Curtin/Murray/Radner.
3 (27.3%)

Hartman/Hooks/Jackson/Lovitz/Miller.
1 (9.1%)

Sandler/Spade/Farley/Carvey/Meyers.
6 (54.5%)

Farrell/Shannon/Hammond/Oteri/Kattan.
1 (9.1%)

Chris Purnell or something. The guy who wasn't the long-haired one in Lazy Sunday.
0 (0.0%)

Kristin Weig. Mostly because she made a fool out of herself for some reason in the news a while back.
5 (45.5%)

Is that goddawful Horatio Sanz still on?
1 (9.1%)

Nope.
5 (45.5%)

SNL.
2 (18.2%)

The State.
2 (18.2%)

Kids in the Hall.
6 (54.5%)

Upright Citizens Brigade.
1 (9.1%)

I'm reminded of Violet Beauregarde finally tasting the Blueberry Pie.
0 (0.0%)

Her giving birth must look like when you unroll a balled-up pair of socks.
6 (60.0%)

Forget how she gives birth - how does she walk? Does she even need to?
3 (30.0%)

Don't know what that giant pink hypo in the foreground is for. Don't wanna know. Don't wanna think about it.
1 (10.0%)

Zombie Michael Jackson.
3 (33.3%)

Octomompussy.
0 (0.0%)

A sick pig.
4 (44.4%)

The Balloon Boy Balloon.
2 (22.2%)

A Jeremy Piven biopic.
2 (22.2%)

A stunning glimpse into the life of Bert Stern, photographer of Marilyn Monroe's famous "Last Sitting": the man, his muses, and the grittily glamorous life he lead.
1 (11.1%)

Probably a lot like the program of the same title that airs on the Playboy channel every Wednesday evening.
4 (44.4%)

It all started out as fun and games, until this young hacker realized he'd cracked the password of the DNC's main database. Once something has been seen, can it be unseen?
2 (22.2%)

The bipartisan Everybody Is Going To Be Happy And Nothing Bad Will Ever Happen Again We Promise Bill, banning anything unpleasant under penalty of somebody else fixing it.
1 (14.3%)

The Moving Forward By Looking Backwards Mandate, which requires all current elected officals to thoroughly research any possible culpability that can be placed on their predecessors and conduct an official "blamestorm" before assuming responsibility.
0 (0.0%)

HR 3201: No Fat Chicks.
3 (42.9%)

The Negative Reinforcement Act, requiring all Americans show a federally-outlined level of disgust for behaviors deemed improper: smoking, trans-fat consumption, improper recycling techniques, failure to display causeist bumper stickers, et. al.
3 (42.9%)

Yeah, you fucks.
5 (55.6%)

I think it's total horseshit that I can't get candy corn for more than 6 weeks out of the year. Candy Corn season is coming to a close and I'm sad about it.
2 (22.2%)

I'm still not mentally ready for fantasy football season, and it's already week whatever. My favorite part of playing is telling my opponents what cocksuckers they are and I haven't done that once.
1 (11.1%)

It's also close to the end of cauliflower season, or at least cauliflower for less than $3.50 season, which as far as I'm concerned is the end of the season. I like roasted cauliflower a lot.
1 (11.1%)

Kids can't even walk to the goddamn bus stop by themselves anymore. Like their parents are going to let them go to the end of the street and back.
5 (55.6%)

Indoor mall trick-or-treating allows costumes to be chosen without concern of waterproofing or whether or not a turtleneck can fit underneath it.
0 (0.0%)

Now that peanuts kill children, it's probably a violation of my homeowners insurance to dole out candy anyway.
3 (33.3%)

Kids don't have time to walk around the neighborhood - they're too busy fighting childhood obesity in their exercise clubs and stuff.
1 (11.1%)

As a heathen, shouldn't you already know the answer to this?
0 (0.0%)

Religious stuff is like pixie dust: it only can make you fly if you believe it will.
3 (37.5%)

God doesn't care as much about heathens as the heathens wish it did. God has enough friends without having to try to impress you guys with pyrotechnics.
3 (37.5%)

Your skin is hissing and smoking, but it's only visible to the believers. It's how they identify the heathens.
2 (25.0%)

Never.
5 (71.4%)

Once or twice.
2 (28.6%)

Regularly, since it holds some sort of appeal to me.
0 (0.0%)

Never.
4 (100.0%)

Once or twice.
0 (0.0%)

Regularly, since it holds some sort of appeal to me.
0 (0.0%)

pop zits
1 (14.3%)

tweeze my eyebrows
1 (14.3%)

clip my toenails
2 (28.6%)

floss my teeth
3 (42.9%)

Any holiday that involves getting a day off but isn't observed on the nearest Monday or Friday.
1 (12.5%)

St. Patty's day. Mostly because 5 years out of 7 it's on a schoolnight, and because it's the night you most want to go to an Irish pub but is in fact the night you should stay farthest away from them.
0 (0.0%)

Potato Famine Remembrance Day, March 18.
2 (25.0%)

Early-August Summer Three-Day Weekend Day.
5 (62.5%)

Full, perhaps, but apparently we hadn't met our quota yet.
0 (0.0%)

If the poll is for fags, well then spank my balls and call me flamer!
1 (12.5%)

You had to make at least 3 mouseclicks and 32 keystrokes to write that.
2 (25.0%)

Good work. I imagine you are an invaluable asset to your employer.
5 (62.5%)

To make them harder to search on bit torrents.
3 (37.5%)

To require the least amount of memory of the average moviegoer/to speed the ticket-buying process.
2 (25.0%)

The producers know there is so much to dislike about most of their movies, they want to provide as little annoyance fodder in the title as possible.
1 (12.5%)

To save on printing and shipping costs, writers must submit their screenplays via Twitter.
2 (25.0%)

Narwhal Pee Pee?
0 (0.0%)

No People's Privates?
0 (0.0%)

National Pinochle Players?
2 (25.0%)

Never Pooping Publicly?
6 (75.0%)

I dunno if Lady Gaga should be associated with a trophy that has been previously awarded to Yassir Arafat. That's just mean.
1 (11.1%)

Lady Gaga is the most likely person in some time to finally enact some real European-style dance-pop horseshit to the States.
3 (33.3%)

I think so. There's something unjust in the world when Lady Gaga and Ghandi have more in common with each other than Ghandi does with the President of the United States.
3 (33.3%)

If only people hated Britney enough, she may have qualified.
2 (22.2%)

You're a chick. These are the things we must suffer.
4 (44.4%)

You type so damn fast that you create a breeze with your fingers.
3 (33.3%)

You used one of those infuriating "touch-free" faucets that provide no means of adjusting the temperature of the tepid water, and forgets you're standing there so you have to wave your now wet-with-tepid-water hands around to rinse the soap off?
0 (0.0%)

You've got ice water flowing through your veins, you frigid, frigid bitch.
2 (22.2%)

Vampires know infecting others is a "gift". Werewolves live like they subsist on a diet of roofies and LSD: every morning is a blur of memories, ruined clothing, and guiltthat they may have subjected someone else to it.
2 (22.2%)

While they share a taste for human blood, the difference is the process: a lustful bite on a sensual part of the body most easily accessed during foreplay vs. a hairy, four-legged version of the Old Country Buffet.
4 (44.4%)

Underworld movies may have made them a bit cooler, but they'll never be truly cool enough to make people fantasize about living their lives like a pet Hulk.
2 (22.2%)

I'm sure if you lived for eternity you'd get bored of the opposite sex eventually. And werewolves aren't homeless until they revert to their wolf habitat, which in people form is nearly indistinguishable from homelessness.
1 (11.1%)

GPS Causing Truckers to Crash Into Bridges.
2 (22.2%)

'Ho White and the Seven Dwarves' beer advert angers Disney.
0 (0.0%)

Scientists create 'sexual tsunami'.
4 (44.4%)

Balloon Boy Vomits During Live Interview on Today Show.
3 (33.3%)

Hell yes!
3 (33.3%)

Meh.
3 (33.3%)

I would if I ever had the time/creativity/followthrough/memory to do a good costume.
3 (33.3%)

lol, sphincter.
3 (33.3%)

I know this is going to be something about chickens. I'll pass.
1 (11.1%)

You won a Nobel Peace Prize?
2 (22.2%)

You're going to write a much better question next week?
3 (33.3%)

Any random girl squealing behind a velvet rope hoping to be granted admission into some club.
3 (33.3%)

A hockey stick with a nicely-painted volleyball stuck on the blade.
0 (0.0%)

A bag full of those creepy doll heads, an artist's wood sketching figure, and some Bratz doll clothes.
2 (22.2%)

A character from a Final Fantasy-like Japanese video game.
4 (44.4%)

The guy on My Secret Identity used his powers to fight crime and stuff. Evie used her powers excatly how the rest of us would once we realized we had them: for mundane, superficial things that usually got us in trouble.
2 (22.2%)

The chick on it was way hotter than Jerry O'Connell.
0 (0.0%)

Standard superhero powers vs. timestop? Are you kidding me. I stay up nights thinking about how awesome it would be to be able to stop time. You could sleep in every day. You could hang out in some other city every night. I could go on and on.
2 (22.2%)

You would never again have to worry about traffic. You would always have time to go to the gym. You could go grocery shopping in as long as it takes to check out. You could read as many books as you want. Hell, you could write a book.
5 (55.6%)

Live-action roleplaying.
5 (55.6%)

War reenacting.
2 (22.2%)

Historical table wargames.
0 (0.0%)

Writing fanfic.
2 (22.2%)

I wear a watch.
4 (50.0%)

I do not wear a watch - my cell is essentially a pocket watch.
4 (50.0%)

"Between that and trying to poison our kids with fluoride in the toothpaste, it's really a sick world."
4 (50.0%)

"I never go shopping at Target on Saturdays. Think about it, if someone were to suicide bomb a store, would they pick Wal-Mart or the place with the big symbolic red target on it?"
0 (0.0%)

"No way, I'd never get an EZPass or fall for that scam they're trying to sell over there with the express security pass thing. Like I want someone tracking where I go all the time."
3 (37.5%)

"It always makes me sad to see photos of the Golden Gate Bridge or the Sears Tower. Just to know that when they get bombed by terrorists, these pictures are going to be of things that don't exist anymore."
1 (12.5%)

Yellow Cake/Chocolate Frosting.
8 (80.0%)

Yellow Cake/White Frosting.
1 (10.0%)

Chocolate Cake/Chocolate Frosting.
1 (10.0%)

Chocolate Cake/White Frosting.
0 (0.0%)

Cookies & Creme.
4 (44.4%)

Mint Chocolate Chip.
4 (44.4%)

Straight up Chocolate/Vanilla.
0 (0.0%)

Some crazy Ben & Jerry's-style concoction with weird candy and crap in it.
1 (11.1%)

Wings.
9 (100.0%)

Tail.
0 (0.0%)

Hairnets.
2 (22.2%)

Working in an "open environment" i.e., everybody getting a section of table in a big space without even the illusion of privacy provided by cubicles.
1 (11.1%)

If the pay cut of accepting the undesirable job leads to needing to take on a second undesirable job.
2 (22.2%)

If the time spent commuting to and from this job equals 40% or more of the time spent at it.
4 (44.4%)

Street Fighter 2.
6 (75.0%)

Mortal Kombat.
2 (25.0%)

Hell no.
2 (25.0%)

Even though her calves were pretty much the nexus of her powers, Chun Li's calves were way buffer than Sonya's.
1 (12.5%)

Chun Li could barely beat up Chun Li. Sonya would never stand a chance.
1 (12.5%)

The chick character in a fighting game is often the best, likely to either reward the boys willing to risk befagging themselves by choosing the girl or to give the losers a copout ("of course you won, you picked the girl"). Sonya was the exception.
4 (50.0%)

Ryu
0 (0.0%)

Ken
1 (11.1%)

E. Honda
1 (11.1%)

Chun-Li
3 (33.3%)

Blanka
1 (11.1%)

Zangief
0 (0.0%)

Guile
2 (22.2%)

Dhalsim
1 (11.1%)

Johnny Cage
0 (0.0%)

Kano
1 (11.1%)

Liu Kang
0 (0.0%)

Raiden
3 (33.3%)

Scorpion
2 (22.2%)

Sonya Blade
1 (11.1%)

Sub-Zero
2 (22.2%)

They will have to admit in public that they willingly had sex with David Letterman.
3 (33.3%)

They may have been married or something equally mundane that allows me to not think about David Letterman having sex.
2 (22.2%)

The "creepy stuff" involves some very degrading and humiliating things being performed on the women.
2 (22.2%)

The "creepy stuff" is really about things like Dave's diaper-wearing fetish or whatever that it would be embarrassing for the women to admit they pretended to find any kind of sexual enjoyment in while indulging him on.
2 (22.2%)

Zero. Twitter is so July.
3 (42.9%)

As many as you can before you delve into your breakfast menu, a lament/delight as to what day of the week it is, or a declaration of boredom.
2 (28.6%)

Exactly no more or no fewer than Larry King.
2 (28.6%)

Ironicly, 140.
0 (0.0%)

Gary Busey | Head | In need of delousing.
1 (16.7%)

Mackenzie Phillips | Feet | Fatherly.
3 (50.0%)

Nancy Pelosi | Neck | Like a concert harpist.
2 (33.3%)

Jon Gosselin | Ugh, anything | Like I'm living the Ed Hardy lifestyle.
0 (0.0%)

Strap him in a chair eyes clipped open ala Clockwork Orange and force him to watch a highlight reel of Zach Braff's most whiny/mewlish/castrated moments from the entire Scrubs series while waxing out every floppy hair from his body.
0 (0.0%)

Waterboard his smug face with Red Bull.
3 (50.0%)

Tie him up with strings of earbuds and roll him down a rocky hill.
1 (16.7%)

Make him try to figure out some funny way to answer this question.
2 (33.3%)

Michael Jackson's death was the best one of this year.
0 (0.0%)

Sub Zero had one of the best finishing moves ever!
4 (66.7%)

The ice age was one of the best climate changes of all time.
0 (0.0%)

chocolate chip is one of the best noms of all time.
2 (33.3%)

Dominos.
1 (11.1%)

Papa John's.
2 (22.2%)

Pizza Hut.
2 (22.2%)

Seriously, the answer is Dominos.
4 (44.4%)

• - Most Useful.
3 (33.3%)

ω - Boobs.
6 (66.7%)

(U+0B23) - Cthulhu.
0 (0.0%)

(U+0C0A) - Tittyfuck.
0 (0.0%)

Because there were three far superior options available. I only included Nutter Butter because I know for some reason people like them.
2 (25.0%)

If it were a choice between Nutter Butters, Almond Windmills, Nilla Wafers and Fig Newtons, I could see your point.
3 (37.5%)

I'm often shocked by how many people choose the wrong answer on the Poll.Sometimes it's as plain as day, but nobody gets it.
3 (37.5%)

I dunno.Everybody else must have gone with the old "always pick A" approach to multiple choice.
0 (0.0%)

With kindness lolz.
2 (25.0%)

Some way that's totally untraceable and would never get back to you.Especially now that you exposed your plan on the internets.
2 (25.0%)

With some sort of medieval torture device like an iron maiden or something. It combines the fun of antiquing to murder!
0 (0.0%)

Lick a bunch of handrails on the Metro, then sneeze on his keyboard.
4 (50.0%)

Interests include: silver rings, tattoos on white chicks.
0 (0.0%)

It took me a while, but I figured out "kick rocks" means "get lost" or "hit the pavement". Although I can't help but imagine a scrappy boy with a baseball cap and overalls in a 50's sitcom kicking the dirt in frustration.
3 (37.5%)

This personal ad will yield two options: nothing, which will give her plenty to complain about; or a mewling, castrated half-man willing to tolerate verbal and possibly physical abuse.Win/Win.
3 (37.5%)

Finally, an ad for the hundreds of clean cut, very handsome, car-owning, fully employed, single black fathers of 1 aged 25-31 with their own places in the DC Area rigorously combing the Craigslist personals for someone to find them worthy of dating.
2 (25.0%)

Any number of paint-stained promo T-shirts.
2 (22.2%)

Dirtiest?Like, is most filthy but wear again?Probably jeans.
4 (44.4%)

My awesome brown leather with brown faux fur collar Chewbacca-inspired coat.
1 (11.1%)

There's a bunch of shirts and such that disappeared into the void of college.But most missed is the Todd McFarlane Spider Man t-shirt I forgot in a dressing room at the Jersey Shore in high scool.
2 (22.2%)

Everybody at work suddenly thinks I need to work harder than I did last week.
0 (0.0%)

People have forgotten how to drive.
3 (33.3%)

Everybody seems desperate to wear their new fall clothes even though we all know it's going to be balls hot for weeks (and for those of us enjoying our fall preview, trust me, it won't last).
2 (22.2%)

How much older I feel every passing year that the start of the new school year means less and less to me.
4 (44.4%)

Jen the asskicking Philly girl.
1 (25.0%)

Bearded Kevin.
1 (25.0%)

Preppy brother.
0 (0.0%)

Surfer brother.
2 (50.0%)

More sad to see hilarious Jesse go.
2 (50.0%)

More delighted to see douchey Mike the douche go.
2 (50.0%)

To give us ladies an easy, twistable target for getting back at you for pinching our butts, tickling us or other demonstrative irritants we have little recourse against.
0 (0.0%)

To serve as a hilarious prop for when they pretend to be all vampy-sexy, licking their fingers and rubbing them in a circle.
0 (0.0%)

For the same reason men have an appendix. The body figured it weren't broke, so why fix it?
6 (66.7%)

Where else to you expect the nipple clamps to go, huh?
3 (33.3%)

IT'S MASHUP TIME!!!!
3 (33.3%)

Go to your local chain coffee shop, open up a Photoshop file and pretend to be creative, in the hopes that everyone around you thinks you're super artsy and bohemian what with your Mac and all.
3 (33.3%)

Enjoy a hard-earned sense of indignation when you can't email files to the rest of the world.
1 (11.1%)

Put your apple sticker on your car so everybody knows you're a "Mac person".
2 (22.2%)

Chocolate Chip.
4 (44.4%)

Sugar (no frosting).
1 (11.1%)

Snickerdoodle.
1 (11.1%)

Oatmeal Raisin.
3 (33.3%)

Oreo.
2 (20.0%)

Chips Ahoy.
1 (10.0%)

Nutter Butters.
2 (20.0%)

Striped Shortbread.
5 (50.0%)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RrRkK3pz10
1 (11.1%)

He's sitting alone in a bar with a mechanical bull somewhere outside of Omaha with Colin Farrell and Billy Bob Thornton.
1 (11.1%)

After washing down a jumbo pickle, sausage & peppers and half a funnel cake with a can of coke and a Marlboro Red, I burped right in her face.
2 (22.2%)

This answer is about poop.
5 (55.6%)

A pencil holder pouch that fits in a three ring binder.
2 (22.2%)

Crayons/Colored Pencils.
1 (11.1%)

A compass or a protractor.
0 (0.0%)

Shelving and/or organization devices for the locker I don't have.
6 (66.7%)

Fark gives Florida its own category, so I'd say she's onto something.
1 (14.3%)

It's Disney World, not Disney State or Disney County. They didn't call it that for nothing.
0 (0.0%)

That would explain a thing or two about Floridians.
4 (57.1%)

The other week you said she thought she was pregnant because she put a doll in her shirt, I bet she's believed from time to time that she's a princess too, now this. Order tests.
2 (28.6%)

Those fucking asshole neighbor's dogs.
2 (28.6%)

The unshakable sensation that spiders are falling on you from the ceiling that's jolted you out of bed every night.
1 (14.3%)

Being struck with the "Organize My Closets" mood at 11pm.
4 (57.1%)

Little do you know, you've been selected for an experiment by a disgruntled employee of your local Starbucks to test whether the effects of caffeine can be gained psychosomatically when consuming decaf.
0 (0.0%)

15 minutes or less.
1 (14.3%)

15-30 minutes.
1 (14.3%)

30-45 minutes.
3 (42.9%)

45 minutes-1 hour.
2 (28.6%)

More than an hour.
0 (0.0%)

0
2 (33.3%)

1
1 (16.7%)

2
2 (33.3%)

3
0 (0.0%)

4
1 (16.7%)

5 or more
0 (0.0%)

Bathing.
0 (0.0%)

Shortening the grooming period.
2 (28.6%)

Food preparation/consumption.
3 (42.9%)

I just show up a little late.
2 (28.6%)

Just happily go on with our lives, believing, however naively, that the bee corpses were contained to that single area and there's just no more dead bees around, nossir.
3 (42.9%)

Tear down every scrap of the wood paneling in our kitchen to make damn sure.
3 (42.9%)

Move.
1 (14.3%)

There are, but hoverboards seemed winnable, and winning small battles gives the fighter a sense of accomplishment.
1 (9.1%)

I vividly remember a water toy from the 70's/80's that was a fat bowling-pin with plastic ropes coming out of its head that whipped around when the water turned on. Fortunately, it seems someone stepped in and put an end to that shit.
3 (27.3%)

They were foolish enough to allow Heelys to slip through their frigid, hateful fingers and have regretted it ever since.
5 (45.5%)

Forget hoverboards, I'm still waiting for the BttF2 "Fax Machines in Every Room" prophecy.
2 (18.2%)

Dippin' Dots.
2 (20.0%)

Cotton Candy.
0 (0.0%)

Zeppoli. All the awesomeness of funnel cake in smaller, noncommittal doses.
1 (10.0%)

Deep fried Oreos.
7 (70.0%)

Those equal-sided line arrangements are known as "squares".
1 (9.1%)

You don't need to have a good vocabulary or even if you do, you don't have to know how to spell. And also unlike crosswords, it doesn't take a thinking human to create new puzzles, so there will never be a shortage of it.
1 (9.1%)

It provides a reasonable distraction from the crippling rage one feels if they make the mistake of reading the "funnies".
5 (45.5%)

It's the only feature in the newspaper that has managed to cash in on the Japanophelia craze.
4 (36.4%)

Any number of bars on Capitol Hill.
3 (27.3%)

Not in the back parking lot of the liquor store, that's for damn sure.
0 (0.0%)

67% of all dollar bills.
4 (36.4%)

Considering their similar customer base (mostly white, affluent professionals), you'd think you would be able to get cocaine at Whole Foods.
4 (36.4%)

Keraptis and the Hobgoblins.
1 (10.0%)

The Scales.
0 (0.0%)

Twinhorn Unicorn.
7 (70.0%)

The Melodic Casters.
2 (20.0%)

During my shoplifting phase which spanned 7th and 8th grades, I stole lots of makeup from the drugstore. While the most expensive single item was probably only abut $10, I'm sure I took a couple hundred dollars of stuff over the entire period.
3 (27.3%)

A 7-11 lighter. Granted, not expensive to most, but considering it was the sole nonwearable possession of the hippie squatter I stole it from, it was expensive to him.
0 (0.0%)

I can think of a few employers I've stolen plenty of work time from.
8 (72.7%)

I can't really think of anything else. I'm not much of a stealer.
0 (0.0%)

Leave a voicemail.
4 (36.4%)

Hang up and email them with what I needed to say.
7 (63.6%)

Voicemail.
3 (27.3%)

Email.
8 (72.7%)

Leave a voicemail.
6 (60.0%)

Assume the missed call lets them know I wanted to get in touch with them.
3 (30.0%)

Send a txt with my intended message.
1 (10.0%)

Cockfighting.
3 (30.0%)

Loansharking.
1 (10.0%)

Since you can't do unhealthy things now, displace your desire for unhealthy habits on your already-born children: slip caffeine and/or booze in their drinks, constantly feed them tunafish, maybe expose them to a little physical danger for kicks.
2 (20.0%)

Chewing with your mouth open. If there's a worse habit than that, I can't think of it.
4 (40.0%)

It's a particular method of handmade glass crafting.
1 (10.0%)

It's what you can get a Hair Cuttery for a few extra dollars.
2 (20.0%)

It's what most people do to their lawns in the fall rather than raking.
3 (30.0%)

It's what ultimately killed Billy Mays.
4 (40.0%)

Proud.
0 (0.0%)

Embarrassed.
1 (10.0%)

Good god, I've never edited anything on Wikipedia. What a loser thing to do.
5 (50.0%)

Good god, I've never edited anything on Wikipedia. I'm WAY too lazy for that.
4 (40.0%)

Steve Martin. Yes, The Jerk was from '79, but that's pretty close, and we all know his best work was in the 80's before he got hit with some unfunny cancer in the 90's.
4 (40.0%)

Steve Guttenberg.
1 (10.0%)

Leslie Nielsen.
3 (30.0%)

The guy who played the evil rich/preppy guy in all 80's comedies.
2 (20.0%)

Louis Tully.
3 (30.0%)

Pee Wee Herman.
2 (20.0%)

Indiana Jones.
4 (40.0%)

The evil Ruski.
1 (10.0%)

John Hamm.
2 (25.0%)

John Simm.
0 (0.0%)

Either way? Mmm.
6 (75.0%)

Ferris describes Cameron as a hypochondriac who's constantly sick. Ferris has been sick NINE TIMES, and yet, if Cameron is the one who's always sick, why isn't Ed Rooney after him?
2 (20.0%)

The pool scene with Cameron and Sloane is reminiscent of the kitchen scene between Ed Norton and Marla: the women are coming on to them in a more coquettish way than they interact with Ferris or Tyler; Norton and Cameron seem clueless and guilty.
2 (20.0%)

Both Ferris/Cameron and Narrator/Tyler were able to accomplish an unbelievable amount of things in a single day.
3 (30.0%)

Both Project Mayhem and the Save Ferris campaign seemed to take on lives of their own to the surprise of their originators. While Norton is shocked by the number of drones buzzing about the house, Ferris was surprised by all the flowers.
3 (30.0%)

Yes: He didn't have what I would think of as a cokehead look. The ShamWow guy? All day.
4 (40.0%)

No: He was way to fascinated with white powders in general not to be.
1 (10.0%)

Yes: Sure he was loud, but it was always a sort of controlled loud, nothing frenetic or anything. He just talked like nobody else understood English.
1 (10.0%)

No: I'm convinced everybody on TV is on cocaine. It's what separates the ambitious from the rest of us.
4 (40.0%)

Just don't plan on running for any sort of office. But anyone who might have plans to do that probably has considered this already.
2 (20.0%)

Don't be a wanker.
3 (30.0%)

Business-types wouldn't be so interested in it if it couldn't be used as a way to monitor what we say and do when they're not looking.
2 (20.0%)

This too shall pass. Eventually "on the internet" will be the equivalent of "in college" as an excuse for something you did back then that you wouldn't do now.
3 (30.0%)

Re-pressing an already-lit elevator button will get you to that floor (or call the elevator) sooner.
2 (20.0%)

Minimum-wage receiving hourly employees at large retail chains give a shit about the store's pre-set prices and/or policies.
0 (0.0%)

No matter how slow you go, being in the left lane gets you to your destination sooner because it's the "fast lane".
4 (40.0%)

Calling over and over after you've left messages and been told you'll hear back from the person you want to talk to makes that person want to talk and do business with you.
4 (40.0%)

Pro: going out on a Thursday night would not result in a wasted Friday morning. Con: going out on Wednesday night doesn't seem close enough to the weekend to warrant going out and wasting Thursday morning.
1 (11.1%)

Pro: Federal holidays that fall on a Monday will mean a 4-day weekend. Con: Federal holidays that fall on Fridays will likely be ignored.
2 (22.2%)

Pro: it's not any less time in the week, it's just reorganized so you'll have just as much time to waste as before. Uh...Con: all that time you would be wasting work on Friday could be spent at home or out doing things you enjoy.
2 (22.2%)

Pro: the added day off would spread out the crowds making it easier to run errands all three days. Con: many of the places you need to run errands at (Post Office, Doctor) would likely assume the schedule too.
4 (44.4%)

Ugh. This is real? This can't be real. This looks like a gang from an 80's movie that's got a rumble with the rollerskating girls.
2 (20.0%)

The reason only two jurisdictions consider them a "gang" is because no other cops believe they could convince the public to be scared of these losers, and if they did, it might make people less scared of actual gang members.
2 (20.0%)

Dear Juggalos: when people say they're scared of clowns, it's because they think that creepyass clown is going to rape them or turn into something other than a clown and kill them. It's not the clown part itself that musters up fear.
4 (40.0%)

"If this music touches you, and you get some positive experience from it, we would be honored to have you consider yourself a Juggalo" "A Juggalo is a frame of mind & what not. " It's like being a hippie: poor grooming, bad style, & a state of mind.
2 (20.0%)

Heidi Fleiss.
4 (50.0%)

Bill Gates.
1 (12.5%)

The hooker-bitten Shamwow Guy.
3 (37.5%)

The still-totally-hammered "Lost Girls" tag team.
0 (0.0%)

The question-submitters. Come on, guys. We all know shitty questions make for a shitty poll. Take this one, for instance.
2 (22.2%)

Me. The longer I tolerate the nonsense, the longer it will go on.
2 (22.2%)

eideteker.
5 (55.6%)

Funny how the internet can spoil the plot of movies, but when the internet tells us that GI Joe is going to eat balls by the handful, people still go see it and are surprised that they didn't like it. Spoiler! It's gonna suck!
4 (40.0%)

I have no idea what the spoiler is for those movies. From what I can tell, one is about Wednesday Addams and the other is like The Beach. To keep us unspoiled, Hollywood needs to keep squeezing out uninteresting turds we can't be bothered with.
3 (30.0%)

If they're smart, lots more spoiler fakeouts, ala Hermione Dies. But they're not (e.g. G-Force).
2 (20.0%)

So THAT's why movies have been such formulaic uninteresting, creativity-free tripe lately! They're afraid to put in interesting twists because we might get spoiled!
1 (10.0%)

Whiskey. I'm convinced anybody who says they like whiskey/scotch/burbon only says so because they think they're a hardass for being able to choke it down.
5 (62.5%)

Birch Beer.
0 (0.0%)

Coffee.
1 (12.5%)

Super-fancy microbrews.
2 (25.0%)

Flubber.
2 (22.2%)

Curly Sue.
4 (44.4%)

Dutch.
1 (11.1%)

Beethoven.
2 (22.2%)

Yes.
9 (90.0%)

No.
1 (10.0%)

Macaroni & Cheese.
4 (44.4%)

Chili's Chocolate Lava Cake.
1 (11.1%)

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.
2 (22.2%)

A fresh, hot, and properly-made bagel.
2 (22.2%)

The Titanic Museum. You can even renew your wedding vows!
2 (22.2%)

Laura's Memories Outdoor Pageant: A retelling of Laura Ingalls Wilder's life in pageant form!
1 (11.1%)

Yakov. Smirnoff. Moscow. Circus.
6 (66.7%)

Andy Williams at the Moon River Theater, natch.
0 (0.0%)

Mount Rushmore with Fake Celebrity Heads.
1 (14.3%)

Museum of [Creationist] Earth History.
4 (57.1%)

The Annual Yellville Turkey Trot, where wild turkeys are tossed from a plane.
2 (28.6%)

The World's Largest Pecan.
0 (0.0%)

More like Burnout Man, lolz.
1 (11.1%)

What is "a $360 event for trust fund babies to go and pretend they reject consumerism".
3 (33.3%)

Even though I'm looking at their website, seeing testimonials and ticket pricing structures, I still don't entirely believe that Burning Man actually exists other than to be a punchline about hippies.
3 (33.3%)

Close your eyes. Now picture yourself in a Nevada desert during the heat of late August. You are surrounded by hippies, frolicking about dancing and whatnot. There is not a running faucet in sight. Now breathe deeply and tell me what you smell.
2 (22.2%)

Yeah! Especially you, creepy cashier guy who hits on me so relentlessly every time I set foot in there that I have to decide whether or not what I want is worth it! You get fucked! Get fucked a lot! Please!
2 (22.2%)

Why would they drop their prices? When the public decides a fee for the services they enjoy is unfair, it just disappears. It's not like they have a method behind their pricing structure, they're just greedy!
1 (11.1%)

I dunno, the stuff you go to 7-11 for is pretty cheap: fountain sodas, coffee, candy bars, smokes etc. It's the stuff that you should know better to buy at the grocery store that are really expensive. Consider it an idiot tax.
5 (55.6%)

I'm sure half of those dipshits think they were signing something in support of 7-11 fighting the "unfair" fees they have to pay on their own credit cards.
1 (11.1%)

In the center of the circular grassy area, he stood with a newspaper wrapped around his face, holding it closed against the back of his head. When this was concluded, he went over to the benches and filed the newspaper in his briefcase.
4 (44.4%)

After preparing to sit on a nearby bench and deciding it was insufficient, he walked again to the center of the circle, looked at his watch, and bolted across the street towards the bus station.
0 (0.0%)

Napping on a bench (not the one that was rejected the day earlier) in his usual attire but this time also with a rounded black top hat and large black umbrella.
0 (0.0%)

He took 10 paces from the edge into the center to begin his ritual. However, it's Farmers Market day, so there were people encroaching into the grass. With a series of hand gestures, he motioned them away, as well as nearby birds & possibly one bug.
5 (55.6%)

Liberty City.
2 (28.6%)

Vice City.
3 (42.9%)

Los Santos.
0 (0.0%)

Any of the ones you didn't have to explain what they were.
2 (28.6%)

Milwaukee.
2 (33.3%)

Detroit.
0 (0.0%)

Long Beach, CA.
1 (16.7%)

uh, Charlotte? I'm running out of cities I've changed planes in but haven't visited.
3 (50.0%)

Drive to Graceland via Dollywood, stopping at every kitschy truckstop gift shop on the way.
0 (0.0%)

Visit roadsideamerica.com to plan a route that will maximize the Pez Museum/giant fiberglass animals potential of such honeymoon.
1 (14.3%)

Puerto Rico. For the real: it's an awesome combination of lazy beach/tour historic stuff/hike in rainforest vacation. Good food, same currency, flights are cheap and only about 4 hours.
3 (42.9%)

Branson, MO.
3 (42.9%)

Use it as a broadcasting device for both your LJ and your Facebook, making you look like you're writing more than you are/irritating people on LJ and/or Facebook that hate Twitter.
0 (0.0%)

Keep up with what silly fake fights Michael Ian Black and Weird Al have gotten into today.
5 (71.4%)

Set up one of those Jean Teasdale countdown tickers on your LJ for when Twitter finally implodes on itself.
0 (0.0%)

If you are of the mindset of my company's IT department, you should get ready for Twitter to revolutionize the way professional business communication is distributed!
2 (28.6%)

It's nothing. "Come into my hurt locker and I'll bludgeon you" didn't fit as well.
2 (28.6%)

It's the cute term the Colorado Militia guys have come up with for their gun safes.
1 (14.3%)

It's what the bully from 80's movies called his locker when he put nerds in it or hit people on the head with the door.
1 (14.3%)

It's what PETA is trying to get supermarkets to call their frozen foods section.
3 (42.9%)

The mind-blowingly awesome Boston Creme cake.
2 (28.6%)

The spiral-cut Honey Baked Ham.
0 (0.0%)

Jeff's Cincinnati Chili.
1 (14.3%)

The 4-Bean salad labeled "Homemade 4-Bean Salad", as opposed to the identical looking 4-Bean salad simply labeled "4-Bean Salad".
4 (57.1%)

Maybe there's just a finite number of schmucks who would buy those ridiculous things.
1 (14.3%)

Maybe Crocs is suffering the drawback of making a sturdy (if hideous) shoe that doesn't need replacing very often, and even though they come in dozens of colors, you can't bring yourself to buy more than one pair.
0 (0.0%)

Maybe $30 really is too expensive for an ugly hunk of plastic and foam.
5 (71.4%)

Maybe whatever cosmic powers with influence over our mundane little lives decided we had enough shit to deal with right now without having Crocs around.
1 (14.3%)

Magical fairlyand.
3 (42.9%)

They'll just disappear. The credit card companies will realize they've been making too much money. There's no way it would result in higher fees to the credit card holder.
1 (14.3%)

It won't ever be successful, 7-11 will stop offering a credit card payment option, and the public will graciously start carrying and paying with cash again.
1 (14.3%)

Like all charges for services we rely upon but would rather not pay for, the government will pay for it. Somehow.
2 (28.6%)

Dun got old.
1 (16.7%)

Predictably, it could only last for so long.
0 (0.0%)

If you can't depend on the Friday Poll, what can you depend on?
2 (33.3%)

If there ever was anything to depend on, it was John Stamos and his dreamy, pan-ethnic appeal.
3 (50.0%)

Furious Asskicker [Surname].
1 (16.7%)

Gilgamesh Thor-Beowulf [Surname].
1 (16.7%)

Hoosegow Kerplunk [Surname].
3 (50.0%)

Dracopegasus Unicorn [Surname].
1 (16.7%)

I understand you can make thousands of dollars a month selling things on eBay you never have to store or handle. Why don't you try that?
0 (0.0%)

Between blood, semen and plasma, there's a decent market for fluids out there.
4 (66.7%)

Stand around the Home Depot parking lot making kissy-faces at the women who come in for paintbrushes and such. Apparently that gets those guys temp work.
1 (16.7%)

Nothing to worry about. The government will take care of us. All of us.
1 (16.7%)

A hearing aid. Good god I hope it was a hearing aid.
1 (20.0%)

What I at first thought was a monitor-cleaner but discovered was a handkercheif.
1 (20.0%)

Enough DNA in toenail-clipping form to eventually create his clone.
2 (40.0%)

Not one but two gavels.
1 (20.0%)

twicketface -- Why haven't we seen any tennis stars transition over to porn?
3 (50.0%)

twicketface -- You've already made fun of chili, Jason Lee and tennis - what's the next thing I hold dear scheduled to be laughed at in the Friday poll?
1 (16.7%)

twicketface -- After winning the pretend Superbowl the last three years in a row, how come I suck at fantasy football this year?
2 (33.3%)

Sitting through all three movies was worth that one shot of the Imperial Senate that showed all the different representatives in their pods in that gigantic hall.
1 (16.7%)

The creepy pedo-vibe between Amidala and Annakin in Ep 1 shed a little light on the creepy incest-vibe between Luke & Leia.
2 (33.3%)

Ewan McGregor did such a dead-on-balls Alec Guinness it was silly.
2 (33.3%)

Fortunately, my mind has pushed all memory of those films into the deeper recesses of my brain. Only when I think about them very hard to I start getting glimpses of them back and man, don't do that to me. Now I'm thinking about all that oopsy-daisy shit.
1 (16.7%)

Hayden Planetarium.
5 (83.3%)

Hayden Harnett.
0 (0.0%)

Hayden Homes.
1 (16.7%)

Hayden Airport.
0 (0.0%)

Straight to the point.
1 (16.7%)

Backhanded (ala, "your hair looks great! It's nice to see you caring about how you look for a change!")
5 (83.3%)

Think of them and fire them out right away.
3 (50.0%)

Think of them but chicken out on saying them.
0 (0.0%)

Think of them too long after the insult to say them.
3 (50.0%)

Fer it.
3 (50.0%)

Aggin it.
3 (50.0%)

My old office was in a back corner with a door awkwardly positioned so only people intending to see me saw me. My new office is between the receptionist desk and the kitchen, facing the lobby. I've seen more people in 2 hours than I'd see in a week.
1 (16.7%)

Not only do I face the lobby, but the wall behind the receptionist and my doorjamb create a perfect frame through which someone can see the sides of my monitor and my face from the main entrance.
2 (33.3%)

Now that I'm all visible and stuff, people keep stopping by not just to chat, but saying stuff like "oh, I thinking about this new project I want to start and now that I see you, I remembered you'd be great for it!"
3 (50.0%)

Since I'm on "Executive Row", in the stretch of offices that includes the CEO and COO, my collage of the dozens of duplicate marketing postcards had to go.
0 (0.0%)

If you're anything like the guy who called me the other day saying he'd be late for our 10am meeting, between the bathroom and the headaches, you just couldn't get going.
0 (0.0%)

Because if those fuckers are going to be picky about when you show up, you might start getting picky about when you leave. Your 11-hour days start when you goddamn feel like they should start.
3 (42.9%)

Golden Girls Hour on Lifetime is from 9-10.
4 (57.1%)

Because you don't really care if there's a job waiting for you there?
0 (0.0%)

Con: the anniversary of your birth has been befouled by the stench of death. Pro: At least it's not like your birthday is 9/11 or something - you'll actually have to remind people what happened on your birthday in 2009.
2 (28.6%)

Con: some people may have forgotten to wish you a happy birthday. Pro: at least the folks in your office had something to talk about while they awkwardly stood around eating the supermarket cake procured in your honor.
3 (42.9%)

Pro: you got to hear a bunch of good songs on your birthday. Con: you also got to hear about Farrah Fawcett's butthole.
2 (28.6%)

Pro: if you're one of those people who's cagey about saying it's your birthday, you were in luck. Con: most of those people wish the reason no one is talking about their birthday is because they're secretly plotting a surprise party, so not really.
0 (0.0%)

First make sure your passport is valid.
1 (14.3%)

Find a nice bed and breakfast in Asheville, NC that's maybe a quarter mile from a winery.
2 (28.6%)

What for? I'm sure there are already plenty of books written about it, most with pictures already taken.
1 (14.3%)

Go to REI and buy a bunch of expensive crap that you'll never use again.
3 (42.9%)

The incandescent lightbulb.
0 (0.0%)

The NyQuil Logo.
3 (42.9%)

The 2D diagrams of the chemical makeups of such nonos as nicotine, cocaine, or fructose.
2 (28.6%)

The broken-image red X in white box.
2 (28.6%)

Cleaning the tub. Not so much for grossness but for pain-in-the-assness.
3 (42.9%)

I hate cleaning that little area behind the faucet on the sink. It's always covered in some weird black shit and doesn't ever seem to be dry.
2 (28.6%)

[insert pet-care chore here].
0 (0.0%)

Cleaning the inside of the fridge.
2 (28.6%)

I'm a dude and I do too.
1 (14.3%)

Chick thing.
6 (85.7%)

300 years after the big war, the tables have turned: humans are the plague of gigantic insects in a world of overgrown fauna. Man makes the best weapons he can in the face of reverting technology. Millipede: the movie.
2 (28.6%)

After a hole in the bottom of the ocean floor leading to subterranean caverns in which tiny peaks of land poke up from rivers of magma. Exploration is only possible with the aid of genetically altered ostriches. Joust: the movie.
1 (14.3%)

An affable coal miner in West Virginia needs to up the ante this month to support his family now that his wife has lost her job. Pulling long hours digging deeper than ever before, Doug is faced with unimaginable perils. Dig Dug!
4 (57.1%)

A bizarre meteorite has landed in Utah. Within days, a colony of alien spores created an ever-moving patchwork of bacteria in the desert sky. Whether the Army, police, or a citizen hunter, everyone has to pitch in to fight the Space Invaders.
0 (0.0%)

Any variation on man-pushing-lawnmower-across-pubes.
0 (0.0%)

This one. NSW, obvs.
4 (50.0%)

Some idiot on a Lost board got the numbers tattooed on their arm halfway through season 1. A) the numbers turned out to be bad and B) that was SEASON 1. Who knew if Lost would be just another Life On Mars? (see also: Pam Anderson's Barb Wire tattoo).
3 (37.5%)

Anything on your head/neck/hands. To pull that off, you have to be a great musician, great artist or great chef, but most of the folks with tattoos there end up being little more than mediocre barristas.
1 (12.5%)

If he's anything like my mom and her kleenex fascination, you'll need at least 3x as much as usual.
2 (25.0%)

He's a dude, so he shouldn't be using more than a few poop-doses of the stuff. What is he doing with all the TP?
2 (25.0%)

As much as you may want to ask him to bring his own toilet paper, how on earth would you plan on broaching that subject without hurt feelings?
0 (0.0%)

Steal one of those jumbo rolls next time you're at a rest stop and keep it on hand for such occasions.
4 (50.0%)

Sure, go for it, but they have to be good. This one, for example? Not much to work with.
3 (37.5%)

That's so renob.
5 (62.5%)

That's 3 more good songs than most of the bands that have come out since 1994.
1 (12.5%)

They bravely made an anti-Bush theme album during the peak of Bush-bashing popularity, which provided a nice quickening to their punkness in the face of their fortyness.
0 (0.0%)

We have to pretend they're musical geniuses in order to feel better about ourselves for following a 3-chord band for so long.
1 (12.5%)

Fortunately, we're not asking why Limp Bizkit is still relevant. Let's celebrate the small victories.
6 (75.0%)

Mauled by a bear.
3 (42.9%)

The vapors.
2 (28.6%)

Caught necktie/clothing in paper shredder.
1 (14.3%)

Leporacy and/or Bubonic Plague.
1 (14.3%)

Dead for real.
4 (50.0%)

Dead ala Tupac/Andy Kaufman.
1 (12.5%)

In a cryogenics vault with Walt Disney.
3 (37.5%)