The Mad Poller What Polls at Midnight (maeincarnate) wrote,
The Mad Poller What Polls at Midnight
maeincarnate

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Change, Neverland, and The Search for Greener Grass

As amazing and awesome and well-deserved and long-overdue this new job is, part of me feels like an impostor and worries that I'm going to get found out. I can't believe how drastic a change this all is - I was at a place that had no intention of ever promoting me, even if they'd had a real hierarchy to promote me into. Now I'm a Director. I go to Senior Staff meetings. Three weeks ago, I was subbing for the receptionist during her lunchbreaks and stuffing envelopes. When my boss was showing me around the office I almost asked him when I'd be getting trained on the front desk.

I outrank people that are older than me, and even though I'm the youngest person in my department, I'm not treated like a child. Not since musicmaker have I worked at a place that status was not directly correlated to age. And even though mine is right next to his, when people stop by my boss' office and he's not there, they don't ask me where he is. I'm not being treated like a secretary and I'm not considered one of the "kids".

When the hell did this happen?

My motivation to spend less time at work chatting and surfing isn't entirely because I want to make a good impression and all that. I feel like I'm supposed to. I'm a grownup now. I have to shoot straight and fly right. My goofoff at work time is over. Maybe this is why even though I had known for so long that I needed to get out of my last job, I never really put the effort into it. I scoffed at one of my old co-workers for saying she'd never leave . the job because where else can she just sit around surfing mySpace and selling things on ebay. It seemed so stupid to limit yourself and your career for instant messenger, but now I'm scared that I've given it up. I've never been too good with change and always delayed the inevitable as long as I could, often to a fault - waiting until the state becomes unbearable and changing is the only option.

I worry a lot about whether or not I'm developmentally behind my friends. In an apartment with futons when everyone else owns places full of contemporary chic furniture, single when most everyone I know is either married or on their way to be (and terrified of those married friends starting to have children). I was worried about being in what seemed like just another post-college office job when everyone else is a lawyer or an accountant some other real career, now I've taken a step to end this prolonged adolescence that scares me so much and now I'm afraid to be a grownup.

I've been going through a lot of changes recently and while it has all been for the positive, I'm actively fighting the instinct to worry about when the other shoe is going to drop, or thinking that the higher I go, the longer the fall is going to be. And since I can't see any real danger ahead, it scares me more that whatever the shit I'm going to have to go through to pay back for all this positivity is going to catch me completely unaware. I'm afraid to get too comfortable, and knowing how irrational that is doesn't make it go away. Who's to say it doesn't work the other way - that while good deeds don't go unpunished, bad things don't go unrewarded? Maybe this is payback time and I'm cashing the check instead of writing it.

I guess nobody's ever satisfied. Here I am making changes that are monumentally improving my life and I'm cowering in fear. But when I don't make changes I think I should, I'm disgusted by my lack of motivation and courage. I guess I need to realize how lucky I am to even be feeling this way. If change were easy, everybody would be doing it: we'd all have dozens of PhD's and be living our fantasy lives inventing things and be cooking up new neuroses to write Livejournal entries about.
Tags: thinky
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