Better than finance, that's for sure.
2 (33.3%)

Let's just hope some of those fartknockers who participate in Talk Like A Pirate Day ship themselves off to Somalia and try their luck talking like pirates.
3 (50.0%)

They say most pirates during the Bluebeard era lived only about 3 months after embarking on their careers. I bet that's gone up significantly since then, making the job somewhat more enticing. And drinking water technology has certainly improved.
1 (16.7%)

Expect a new Discovery Channel show ala The Deadliest Catch about piracy to show up in the Fall '09 lineup.
0 (0.0%)

Black and White Cookie.
2 (33.3%)

Kramercize.
0 (0.0%)

How 'bout it sucked.
4 (66.7%)

Yeah, right.
0 (0.0%)

Carlton Banks' Punch Out.
3 (50.0%)

Your Myspace makes me...
2 (33.3%)

Jean Claude and the Bloodsports.
1 (16.7%)

Charlie Basketball Shot.
0 (0.0%)

They pretty much are generating semen. Wouldn't it be great if Hayfever were renamed Jizfever?
3 (50.0%)

If they do, I've been whiffing on some funky spunk.
0 (0.0%)

I'm not as familiar with the smell of semen as I am with the taste, and I've never swallowed one of those white flowers.
1 (16.7%)

Sure glad there aren't any brown flowered trees in my yard.
2 (33.3%)

Chopped.
1 (25.0%)

Mad Men.
1 (25.0%)

Pretty much everything I watch the rest of the world watches too.
2 (50.0%)

The Wynn.
1 (25.0%)

The Bellagio.
2 (50.0%)

The Venitian.
1 (25.0%)

Planet Hollywood.
0 (0.0%)

Bill's Gamblin' Hall & Saloon.
1 (25.0%)

Ellis Island.
1 (25.0%)

The Imperial Palace.
1 (25.0%)

Whiskey Pete's.
1 (25.0%)

dweeb
0 (0.0%)

dork
0 (0.0%)

goober
4 (80.0%)

doofus
1 (20.0%)

It makes them seem like they're asking a serious question, even if it's really about a Kardashian.
0 (0.0%)

This is a method of reverse-psychology to get the public so damned sick of hearing everything has to do with the economy that they'll start getting skeptical and start believing in the economy again.
2 (33.3%)

It's less desperate sounding than opening your questions with "OH GOD PLEASE WATCH THIS! DON'T READ THE INTERNET! IT'S KILLING MY CHILDREN!"
2 (33.3%)

Somebody in the teleprompter typing pool thought it would be funny to do a Find and Replace for "well," with "in this economy".
2 (33.3%)

"Did I do that?"
3 (30.0%)

"Don' be riddikoolus."
2 (20.0%)

"How rude!"
1 (10.0%)

"Yada, yada, yada"
4 (40.0%)

One came from a funny show.
1 (10.0%)

One came from a show not featured on ABC's TGIF lineup.
0 (0.0%)

One came from a show not aimed directly at the lowest common denominator.
2 (20.0%)

While all came from emotional children, one came from characters with intellectual ages over 13.
7 (70.0%)

For realz. First Passions, now this.
0 (0.0%)

Are you telling me that housewives are actually spending their time taking care of their homes and children?
4 (44.4%)

What are college students supposed to watch between their noon and 2:30 classes now?
1 (11.1%)

Maybe now that twat at the gym will stop changing the channel everybody else is watching without asking.
4 (44.4%)

Bloomberg News: Managing your money does not include arguing with part-time cashiers over the price of retail items. These employees have neither price-setting responsibility nor negotiation power.
1 (11.1%)

C-SPAN: Round-the-clock coverage of the rantings of the definitely-crazy/possibly "special" guy who wanders around the park in front of my office building.
3 (33.3%)

FOX News: While you may like your gigantic truck, if you have to back into the spot, you can't expect the three people behind you to all back up so you can maneuver your giant boat around the cramped parking lots. Later: the meaning of "Compact Only".
4 (44.4%)

ESPN: Beer pong! Beer pong!! Beer pong!!!
1 (11.1%)

Aragorn.
3 (33.3%)

That movie about horses or something.
2 (22.2%)

Holy crap, he was in Young Guns II!
2 (22.2%)

Heh, and 28 Days. Just think, he could have been Matthew McConaughey.
2 (22.2%)

Everybody knows what Pepsi is, and whether they prefer it to other drinks. Pepsi is just trying to reward their customers with a channeling of that tingle-up-the-leg/faint-at-the-sight-of-it feeling they get from thinking about Obama.
0 (0.0%)

If flashy marketing, pretty logos, and a fresh new image got 18-34 year-olds to elect a half-term Junior Senator into the White House, surely it can make some of that juicy demographic spend $1.29 on soda.
1 (10.0%)

The Obama Pepsi commerical will be for the revival of Pepsi Clear: "It doesn't look like all those other colas you spend your dollar bills on."
2 (20.0%)

No matter how unpopular, irrelevant, or passe Obamamania becomes, expect to see this logo for at least 8 or 9 years. People still have John Kerry stickers on their cars. Hell, there's even still some Manbearpig stickers left.
7 (70.0%)

Hamsters, or "pouchmouths".
0 (0.0%)

Ferrets, or "fursnakes".
5 (50.0%)

Nutria, or "ratmonsters".
2 (20.0%)

Squirrels, or "frolicmonkeys".
3 (30.0%)

In return, Matt & Trey gave the Army guys an autographed photo of Saddam fucking the Devil up the ass.
1 (10.0%)

I hope it was aired to more terrorists than just Saddam as a demotivational bit of propaganda: "ya know that guy you were going to kill people for? Here's what the rest of the world thinks of him."
2 (20.0%)

It may have actually filled Saddam with some hope that the afterlife wouldn't be so shabby after all.
1 (10.0%)

At least now we'll know what to do with Kim Jong Il when we take him.
6 (60.0%)

Sure, why not. They're on it as much or more as you are.
2 (20.0%)

Do not mix Work Megan with Fun Mej. They cannot exist together.
8 (80.0%)

Keep the questions comin'. And since I have to write them earlier and earlier in the week (stupid career advancement), don't wait until 11 on Friday morning. I'm lookin at you coldblackncold.
0 (0.0%)

Even if you don't have a question, fill out the poll. Motivation is proportional to response rate.
2 (22.2%)

Spread the word! Tell your friends!
0 (0.0%)

All of the above.
7 (77.8%)

If the coffee goes cold, stick it in the fridge and ice it later.
1 (12.5%)

Desperate last resort. It's the wipe-your-ass-with-paper-towels of beverages.
4 (50.0%)

I don't care as long as it does the job.
0 (0.0%)

All the expensive coffee has made us believe coffee is worth re-heating. Make a new freaking cup, or invest in one of those USB mug-warmers.
3 (37.5%)

The guy who owned the flea-market Italian Ice stand I worked at when I was 14. He dedicated his life to his four coolers, dry ice and strict cup-counting policy. One week he tried to sell drinks but didn't bother to get cups that didn't leak.
1 (11.1%)

The bitches working in the "typing pool" at the financial planning office I worked at senior year. They acted like they were in a movie from the 50's.
4 (44.4%)

The Applebees bartender who used to throw fits and refuse to make my drinks if I wrote "Rocks" instead of an X in a circle when ordering a margarita on the rocks.
3 (33.3%)

The evil hens that owned the antique shops and eucalyptus-swag hausfrau decoration stores in the area where my boss' art & aromatherapy store was. They refused to let her into their "guild" because she was selling such weird stuff.
1 (11.1%)

The manager at the Irish pub who in spite of allowing visible tattoos and mohawks on other waiters, constantly put limitations on which necklaces he thought were and were not appropriate for me to wear. There was no real dress policy.
2 (22.2%)

Those of you who have been around for a while will know who and what CVP is. Here's a selection of her greatest emails.
1 (11.1%)

This guy. After the personal space incident, he didn't talk to me or give me work for six weeks.
5 (55.6%)

The boss that never gave work to me, even when she was swamped and I was actively asking for more to do, because she was afraid of "sounding bossy".
1 (11.1%)

Unlike some food-stamp recipients, I doubt many of those high school dropouts have $80,000 in the bank, a paid-off $311,000 home and a Mercedes.
1 (11.1%)

Most of the food stamp users I've seen in action at the supermarket are either way smarter than the rest of us with all the ways they try to buck the system, or so stupid they probably never even started high school. Coin toss on that one.
1 (11.1%)

I dunno. Getting on food stamps probably involves a lot of form-completing and homework. That's what turned off the dropouts in the first place.
4 (44.4%)

If it's as accurate as this study, anybody who's ever used a newspaper coupon probably counts.
3 (33.3%)

A whirlwind visit to the Eager Beaver Buffet and Vomitorium in Passaic, NJ.
1 (11.1%)

The excruciating sensation of your cranial fluid seeping slowly out your ear canal as these vile harpies screech and squawk over top of one another for a solid hour.
1 (11.1%)

A resounding feeling of satisfaction and self worth after learning from first hand experience that at least you're not as bad a person as either of them.
5 (55.6%)

To learn what it's like to be married to a gay person.
2 (22.2%)

The singers using it aren't really that bad, it's just that the rest of the music is so mundane and boring they had to spice it up somehow.
1 (14.3%)

The faster we get used to computer-generated singing vocals, the sooner they stop having to deal with bubblegum pop diva twats.
1 (14.3%)

The average media consumer likes things to be as familiar as possible - the more like something else it is, the better it is. Any song not using AutoTune is essentially lost revenue.
1 (14.3%)

When electricity first came out, people were upset because the light showed many more of their flaws than candlelight ever did. Now think about how we choose our musicians based on how they look and put the pieces together.
4 (57.1%)

We thought a mere $700B bailout was absurd.
1 (12.5%)

I still opened my 401K statements.
3 (37.5%)

I still knew who half the people were on ONTD.
0 (0.0%)

There were like, 8 questions a week.
4 (50.0%)

Hal Jordan.
3 (60.0%)

John Stewart.
2 (40.0%)

Kyle Rayner.
0 (0.0%)

Guy Gardner.
0 (0.0%)

It's not you that doesn't understand plumbing, nor does it really matter whether you understand it or not. The guy who last worked on your pipes doesn't understand plumbing.
5 (62.5%)

There has to be a set of definable characteristics to separate the useful people from the zombie fodder.
1 (12.5%)

Unless you're planning on a career change, it sounds like you know all you need to know about plumbing: turn faucet, water, drain. The rest you pay somebody else to know about.
0 (0.0%)

You may not know much about plumbing now, nor do you know much about landscaping, basic carpentry, drywalling, or wiring, but this and other events like it will allow you to look back in 6 months and be amazed at how naive you seemed.
2 (25.0%)

Minneapolis/St. Paul.
2 (28.6%)

D.C.
3 (42.9%)

Seattle.
0 (0.0%)

Miami.
2 (28.6%)

Punkin Puss.
2 (25.0%)

Jabberjaw.
4 (50.0%)

Ruff and Reddy.
1 (12.5%)

Blubber Bear.
1 (12.5%)

They should be grateful the top questions weren't all variations on whether or not Obama can do a barrel roll.
1 (12.5%)

This same voting structure is the basis for next week's DOE Forum to discuss the literary merit of Firefly Slashfic.
1 (12.5%)

Thanks to the eye-opening information provided on the Pro-Ana boards, the FDA, EPA and FAA are teaming up to roll out a new strategy for food redistribution, population control, and the further shrinking of airplane seats.
1 (12.5%)

The financial questions that weren't about marijuana were all about whether or not Americans can still has cheeseburgers.
5 (62.5%)

They had to nudiefuzz the picture of the house but not the "fertility god"?
0 (0.0%)

WTF is a gap year and why don't we have them?
4 (50.0%)

So that's why the house I pass on the way to work has JESUS LOVES YOU in flowers on their front yard.
0 (0.0%)

Between this and cops giving the finger to speeding cameras, maybe the whole Big Brother thing isn't working out the way it was intended.
4 (50.0%)

If he had balls, Nancy Pelosi. But we all know Stewart doesn't go against the playbook.
4 (40.0%)

Tetradeca-mom.
3 (30.0%)

Rachael Ray.
3 (30.0%)

Some other insane screaming pseudo-newsworthy guy. Like Olbermann or that doughy blonde guy on MSNBC.
0 (0.0%)

I would.
4 (44.4%)

NO WAI.
5 (55.6%)

And Verizon? At least a duck's bill doesn't have a bunch of random crap on it that you don't know what it is.
2 (20.0%)

And ANTM contestants? Ducks like it when you throw breadcrumbs at them.
2 (20.0%)

And Lipitor? Ducks rarely cause unexplained muscle pain or tenderness, muscle weakness, fever or flu symptoms, and dark colored urine.
3 (30.0%)

And Jessica Simpson? Ducks don't go on crash diets when someone comments on how cute their round waddly bottoms are.
3 (30.0%)

The put-too-much-thought-in-her-workout-clothes chick.
1 (11.1%)

The old guy who thinks he can be "on" five machines at once.
2 (22.2%)

The fat ladies eating protein bars while pushing level 2 on the recumbent bike.
0 (0.0%)

The guys who make very loud orgasmic grunts every time they do a rep.
6 (66.7%)

They want us all to know they can still fit in them.
1 (10.0%)

Sadly, many of them managed to purchase these icons of fashion recently.
2 (20.0%)

There are many people in this world who spend lots of time at the gym because they are thoroughly uninteresting and rarely have more than one thought in their head. Why leave?
2 (20.0%)

And many that do leave the gym still seem to be wearing their Zubazes.
5 (50.0%)

Facebook.
5 (50.0%)

I got less funny.
1 (10.0%)

They ran out of ideas.
2 (20.0%)

Most of my IRL friends have gotten promotions or children and have less time to spend on stuff like this, and I don't make a habit of trolling around for new LJ friends.
2 (20.0%)

The Sham Wow/Slap Chop Guy.
2 (20.0%)

Hair-down Tony Little.
8 (80.0%)

David Boreanaz.
1 (12.5%)

Nathan Fillion.
4 (50.0%)

Jon Hamm.
3 (37.5%)

Tahmoh Penikett.
0 (0.0%)

Jamie Bamber.
0 (0.0%)

Upside: had she married this guy and taken his name, she'd have been Kenley Penley.
4 (40.0%)

The other designers always joked that her one trick was to take 50's fads and put a modern twist on them. It's neo-retro spousal abuse!
3 (30.0%)

Quoth the neighbor: "Lately there has been a lot of yelling ... I can hear Kenley much louder than I can hear Zak. When she speaks, she yells." Well, duh. Anybody who watched the show could have told you that.
1 (10.0%)

I'd like to think she attacked him with her cat as an homage to the song "Cat" he wrote to play during her runway show. But I've seen her work and I know she's not that creative.
2 (20.0%)

Because calling her Tetradeca-Mom would a) require the public to look something up; and b) would be an unpleasant reminder for her of her other six children.
2 (20.0%)

Because "Future-Date-Rapist-Hemorrhaging Welfare Abuser" didn't have the same ring.
3 (30.0%)

The whole thing is gross enough as it is without actually making mention of her vagina.
1 (10.0%)

Even as the story broke, everybody knew we'd get really tired of it really fast. No need to overthink the catchy name.
4 (40.0%)

Pairing the continued slackifying of white kids with the impending nullification of any monetary gain from sacrificing several years and hundreds of thousands of dollars in med school, the US has to grow accustomed to only ever seeing Indian doctors.
0 (0.0%)

No real doctors had time to talk about the benefits of fruit consumption and other bullshit with their rigorous insurance form completing and malpractice lawsuit avoiding schedules, so CNN conducted a poll and created an android amalgom a doctor.
2 (22.2%)

It is an attempt to normalize the handsomely dorky young Indian guy in order to make sure Bobby Jindal doesn't have any "unusual otherness" appeal by the time he's ready to embark on a national political career.
5 (55.6%)

The whole Dr. Phil thing blew up so violently: he had some sort of personality and, right or wrong, the balls to say things that weren't on his cue cards. That wasn't about to happen again.
2 (22.2%)

Letting your significant other have the bigger scoop of mac & cheese.
3 (33.3%)

"You look tired. I'll clean up."
2 (22.2%)

Preparing or doing something just the way they like it, even if it's a little harder.
3 (33.3%)

The extra little phone call to make sure everything's okay.
1 (11.1%)

Juliette Lewis? Not from outer space.
1 (12.5%)

A woman will not die if she licks on a 9-volt battery while she masturbates with a corded electric vibrator.
2 (25.0%)

King Hippo from Mike Tyson's Punch Out was meant to look like a man, even many people thought he was some sort of pregnant cyclops stripper.
4 (50.0%)

Caesar Milan is not just a super-dominant homosexual latino; he is the leader of an underground branch of PETA whose intention is to turn the world off of dog ownership.
1 (12.5%)

James Taylor.
0 (0.0%)

U2.
4 (44.4%)

Bruce Springsteen.
4 (44.4%)

Pink Floyd.
1 (11.1%)

True.
5 (50.0%)

False.
5 (50.0%)

"Chutzpah! Chutzpah! Got You All in Check" by Busta Rhymes.
3 (37.5%)

"Sucka Schvartzer" by A Tribe Called Quest
1 (12.5%)

Ain't nothin' but a G Thang, by Dr. Dre: "Ain't nothin' but a G thang, baaaaabay!/Two loc'ed out G's so meshugga!"
2 (25.0%)

"Gangsta Dreck" by...whoever.
2 (25.0%)

The Monkees show.
3 (37.5%)

The Golden Girls.
1 (12.5%)

The Electric Company.
1 (12.5%)

The Dark Crystal/Fraggle Rock.
3 (37.5%)

"Frank, they're not here for you. "Weird Al" Yankovic is on the plane."
2 (28.6%)

"Uh... that's a pretty tall order, Nordberg. You'll have to give me a couple of days on that one."
2 (28.6%)

"Go for it, Stephanie!"
0 (0.0%)

"It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!"
3 (42.9%)

"Gimme the strongest thing you got. ... Uh... on second thought, how about a black Russian?
0 (0.0%)

"What's Nordberg doing in Detroit? So, send him some plane fare and a new pair of pants."
3 (42.9%)

"His strong manly hands probed every crevice of her silken femininity, their undulating bodies writhing in sensual rhythm, as he thrust his purple-headed warrior into her quivering mound of love pudding."
2 (28.6%)

"Oh, hi, Frank. Say, we got that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine that you ordered. "
2 (28.6%)

Chris Brown's latest track "Because I Love You", feat. Tina Turner. (Too soon?)
0 (0.0%)

If Paul McCartney agreed to Paris Hilton's offer to do a duet.
3 (42.9%)

Chris Kattan and Sir Ian McKellan in Mango Meets Charles Darwin.
1 (14.3%)

MSNBC's Lunatic Fringe Roundtable with Bill O'Reilly and Dennis Kucinich.
3 (42.9%)

True.
4 (50.0%)

False.
4 (50.0%)

He probably makes money hand over ass from this. You'd think he'd figure out a way to make the Arnold California Expo.
0 (0.0%)

We pretty much allow most misdemeanors and some felonies in pro sports, what's a little drug use going to hurt?
3 (37.5%)

For some reason, parents allow their children to think professional athletes are worthy of idolotry and heroism, and then feign shock when they turn out to be the shitbags they are. Maybe it's better these kids learn the lesson early.
5 (62.5%)

I know quite a few people who watch baseball. Most of the people who actually watch it could care less about the guys who get mired in scandals like these.
0 (0.0%)

"That's genius! That way if they complain to the front desk, the idiot standing there can just stare at them blankly and say that's as low as it goes. Then by the time they get home, they won't care enough to write us and complain!"
1 (12.5%)

"That's genius! Everybody knows you're not supposed to have the AC that low, so they'd feel too guilty to complain!"
1 (12.5%)

"That's genius! If anybody complains about it, we can tell them it's for the environment or something. Then they'll thank us for socially conscious!
5 (62.5%)

"Fine. Just do it. Whatever we can do to squeeze a few more bucks out of this whole thing."
1 (12.5%)

It's the world's safest attempt to bring video games to the 45-65 age group: even if they don't buy into it, everybody else will.
3 (37.5%)

And here we thought Michael Jackson lost all of his marbles.
1 (12.5%)

College campuses everywhere predict an LSD shortage this September.
2 (25.0%)

Beatles or no Beatles, these games are still lame.
2 (25.0%)

Poor Ogre.
3 (37.5%)

Hey man, work is work. Not much call for a 50-some year old Ogre anymore.
5 (62.5%)

Ankles! Ankles!! Ankles!!!
3 (42.9%)

The new gold standard in Afghan porn actresses is the Bratz doll image: trying to find the biggest, sexiest eyes a burqua has ever excepted from total concealment.
3 (42.9%)

An overwhelming surge in bondage rape-fantasy porns. Maybe they liked those rape rooms after all.
0 (0.0%)

In an homage to pulling Saddam Hussein out of a hole in the ground, the latest trend in Iraqi porn is mostly closeups of things being put into and pulled out of filthy, overweight, unshaven vaginas.
1 (14.3%)

We can't often tell between ourselves and canucks. Unless they sound like extras from Strange Brew. What's the secret?
1 (14.3%)

It's the standard problem of being the best. We don't care as much about you guys as you do about us.
2 (28.6%)

Most Americans can't tell between a Philly and a New York accent. We've been so overexposed to the nonregional dialect of TV And radio personalities that we tend to lump any variation into "other".
1 (14.3%)

It doesn't really matter. We'll give it up for either one of your accents.
3 (42.9%)

Here you though the seller put air fresheners in every room to provide ambiance during visits. The mold problem they've been masking will make you rethink your contract.
0 (0.0%)

When the inspector turns the water on, your rusted galvanized pipes will turn your basement into a water park. Copper pipe replacement: $50 a foot.
0 (0.0%)

Ya know how the bedroom ceiling looks like Selma Hayek in a button-down shirt? Drywall: $4,000.
2 (28.6%)

You're going to sit there for hours, watching some guy wander around your hopes and dreams while you sweat and gnaw your fingernails. It'll all come out okay.
5 (71.4%)

At least it's not an ER clone.
3 (42.9%)

And House is a Monk clone. People seem to like shows with the mostly-oneoff format in which dedication to an overarching story is not necessary.
1 (14.3%)

Clones of other shows are all the manatees in Hollywood are capable of anymore.
3 (42.9%)

It's worked for the Offspring for about 15 years now. People like House. They'll watch it again.
0 (0.0%)

I'm sure she's heard about it. She is a living, breathing member of society. And she works at a monkey farm, so everybody has probably asked her about it.
3 (42.9%)

The monkeys she plays with are babies, most less than a tenth of the weight of the crazed face-ripping, hand-eating monkey. They probably couldn't rip off one of her watch.
1 (14.3%)

You're god damned right I would. Many times.
3 (42.9%)

Probably not in the way we think of funerals, but if there is any justice in the world, the now-faceless woman should be able to go after its corpse like Michael Bolton on a printer.
0 (0.0%)

One of my co-workers put me on this and many more mailing lists, the full comedic scope of which I will be unraveling for months to come.
2 (28.6%)

Google, man. Fuckin' Google.
2 (28.6%)

Xtreme Geek is trying to expand their customer base by targeting beyond the usual IT job titles and taking a bet on other departments (such as research) that may have a high geek quotient.
0 (0.0%)

All of these excuses are just an elaborate ruse to make you guys think I didn't order a humping-dog USB drive plug and have it delivered to my office.
3 (42.9%)

The only explanation there can be is none of these people actually saw that two-hour cautionary tale against ever ever setting foot in India. Now that Hollywood has gone bozo for Bollywood, they've just GOT to go!
6 (85.7%)

They saw it. They didn't actually believe it until they saw it themselves.
1 (14.3%)

Give some long overdue attention to his third girlfriend, his car.
0 (0.0%)

Take advantage of the nice weather and crank out some yardwork. lolz.
0 (0.0%)

Boycott pants. The rest is up to 4chan.
6 (85.7%)

Turn himself into an overnight sensation on the local bingo circuit.
1 (14.3%)

Make sure my questions are the most awesome, most unmissable questions ever.
2 (18.2%)

WRITE IT IN ALL CAPS. THAT'S HOW YOU GET NOTICED.
4 (36.4%)

Get a hold of yourself. It's not like I'd skip a quarter of the total questions submitted this week.
2 (18.2%)

Write a comment describing how you managed to make the Friday Poll such an intimate priority in your life so that others may learn and find the same level satisfaction and joy in it that you do.
3 (27.3%)

The comb-bind machine (or if you don't have one, a hole puncher).
4 (36.4%)

Sponge-top bottle envelope moisteners.
1 (9.1%)

The postage scale.
2 (18.2%)

The paper cutter.
4 (36.4%)

Given the flurry of MILF, VPILF, DILF, GMILF and other -ILF acronyms last year, it appears all restrictions on direct and obvious allusions to curse-words have been lifted.
1 (10.0%)

To a coworker/friend, appropriate, especially as a private aside email. As a rule, txt-speak should never be used in a serious work correspondence.
2 (20.0%)

The terms SNAFU and FUBAR are as old as World War II, and common enough to be appropriate in work emails. Why wouldn't the other F be?
4 (40.0%)

Depends on what you want in the long run: a promotion, or being remembered as the funny person who said WTF in an email.
3 (30.0%)

Flight of the Conchords.
4 (36.4%)

The Lonely Island Crew.
0 (0.0%)

Weird Al Yankovic.
7 (63.6%)

Funny Songs.
2 (18.2%)

Muggy, overexaggerated ham-acting.
6 (54.5%)

It's so awkward it's funny.
2 (18.2%)

Pratfalls.
1 (9.1%)

I did. And if I were going to be a dick about it, I'd say "actually, he's Welsh".
4 (36.4%)

It's perfectly fitting for the actor playing Patrick Bateman not to be American: like all aspects of identity, everything we know about him is an act; a lie based on figments of his imagination that others take for granted at face value.
7 (63.6%)

My clitoris and I certainly hope not.
0 (0.0%)

If Patrick Bateman were a skinny freak, nobody would believe anything he said. But if he weren't trapped in that image-centric environment, he may not have needed to create the murder fantasies in which he fought back against the banality of it all.
0 (0.0%)

Read a book, read a book, read a mothafuckin book.
3 (27.3%)

Dust off some oldies but goodies from PS2.
2 (18.2%)

Dust off some oldies but goodies from N64.
4 (36.4%)

A few weeks of Spider Solitaire and Food Network Nighttime never hurt anybody.
2 (18.2%)

Hello Kitty: That the only variation in representations of Hello Kitty are in her clothing and accessories teaches nationalistic hegemony to Japanese children: change your clothes or your hat, but whatever you do, keep Japan Japanese.
4 (36.4%)

Giant Penis-Testicle Demon Porn: Like the theory from the 70's that chubby hairy men in porns made the average man more comfortable, these creatures reinforce the civility of unimposing penises in contrast to the demonic large penis.
0 (0.0%)

The cuteification of poop: Just about every other culture has coopted some Japanese fad as their own. Finally, something made and loved by the Japanese that no one else will try to duplicate.
4 (36.4%)

Five-member teams of heroes that join to form one powerful unit (Voltron, G-Force, et.al.): while 4 islands make up the majority of Japan, the 5th member of these teams represents the other few thousand without which Japan could not be whole.
3 (27.3%)

A hardworking receptionist in a busy office.
1 (7.7%)

Wedding photographers who know better than to take mid-chew candids during dinner.
2 (15.4%)

An oral hygienist who can pull off a cleaning without inducing an audible cry of pain.
3 (23.1%)

The person who does the bill-money wrangling when you go out to eat with a group of friends.
7 (53.8%)

Cheddar
7 (50.0%)

American
4 (28.6%)

Swiss
2 (14.3%)

Brie
1 (7.1%)

Provolone/Mozzarella
5 (35.7%)

Ham
4 (28.6%)

Bacon
8 (57.1%)

Sausage
2 (14.3%)

Crab/Lobster/Shrimp
0 (0.0%)

Mushrooms
4 (28.6%)

Onions
6 (42.9%)

Peppers
4 (28.6%)

Salsa
5 (35.7%)

Broccoli
2 (14.3%)

Spinach
6 (42.9%)

Potato
2 (14.3%)

Obasaturation: the feelings of fatigue and exhaustion resulting from overexposure to the Obama family after having been inundated with their visages on every magazine cover currently in publication.
1 (7.7%)

Dispressment: Searching for evidence of economic distress wherever possible in order to justify the lack of actual evidence witnessed to the constant reporting of such evidence from the media.
2 (15.4%)

Local Cooling: the uncharacteristically cold-weather phenomenon that occurs during every scheduled lecture on Global Warming.
3 (23.1%)

Facebook Lift: the act of removing unflattering pictures and comments on one's WEB2.0 networking site after a superior co-worker or stodgy family member friends you.
7 (53.8%)

To vet.
3 (21.4%)

Celebrate/celebration.
1 (7.1%)

Green/to go green.
4 (28.6%)

Maverick.
6 (42.9%)

Click on that little head next to their name to find out. It's not like facebook where you actually have to know the person to learn about them.
4 (30.8%)

We are the decimated remains of a once formidable poll-participating group.
3 (23.1%)

We're the work-slackers that all those careerbuilder articles are written about.
1 (7.7%)

We've been together here for about 4 years now. Way to get to know your peers, pal.
5 (38.5%)

The monkey-run auto shop.
0 (0.0%)

Monkey-endorsed shampoo.
3 (23.1%)

Axe body spray.
9 (69.2%)

Monkey maid service.
1 (7.7%)

Verizon. At least they can be honest.
1 (8.3%)

Harts flea and tick collars.
0 (0.0%)

Patagonia climbing gear.
6 (50.0%)

Pampers.
5 (41.7%)

Since unlike high school, you are attending voluntarily, the experience feels so vastly different that many may not realize they're in school. The agony of math class provides a familiar reference.
0 (0.0%)

To make sure you really, really want that business degree.
4 (30.8%)

To perpetuate the myth that there's some level of math that a computer or calculator can't just do for you.
8 (61.5%)

To inflate the perceived value of your education. If you only took the classes that were actually relevant and necessary, it might be hard to justify spending tens of thousands of dollars on it.
1 (7.7%)

Possibly, but not assuredly.
6 (46.2%)

Absolutely.
2 (15.4%)

No.
5 (38.5%)

As good? Definitely.
0 (0.0%)

I may seem like a wilting pussywillow to you, what with all the supplicating and ass-kissing, but I swear, once I'm out of this building, I'm tough stuff, man.
1 (7.7%)

Today? Not the day.
3 (23.1%)

I don't give a fuck about your rules or your "appropriate workplace attire". I'm not going to be held down by that shit...on Fridays.
8 (61.5%)

Why, I'd love to attend an anger management seminar.
1 (7.7%)

As they all sit and wait for another to make the first move, Vaughn silently reaches into his back pocket, pulls out a tattered slip of paper and reads off the names of the celebrities he's banged. The other smarms beg for mercy.
1 (9.1%)

Vaughn and Reynolds are sent cowering in the corner covering their ears while Dane Cook tries out his latest material: "HAY GUYS! I CAN TOTALLY GET MORE PUSSY THAN YOU! CHECK IT OUT! THEN I GET DRUNK AND STUFF!"
4 (36.4%)

Ryan Reynolds, looking around the room at the competition, throws up his hands and says "look at you guys. Now look at me. I'd rather lose than have your greezy hands on my beautiful face". Then he sucker punches them.
1 (9.1%)

With one leer and his most mediocre smirk, Hugh Grant makes those other wannabes wish they never even tried to play the game.
5 (45.5%)

Malia and Natasha aren't really his daughters, are android amalgamations of all the adorable little black girls from sitcoms past, from Bud-phase Rudy Huxtable to the missing girl from Family Matters.
2 (18.2%)

Both his homeless aunt-in-law or whatever in Boston and his ethnic-garbed Kenyan family are all community theater actors from a small town outside Memphis, filmed in an LA studio to give him a certain authenticity.
0 (0.0%)

Little is said about his time at Columbia University, to the speculation of some. While he did spend 2 years there, instead of attending classes, he attended to young ladies from the midwest who were having trouble adjusting to the big city.
6 (54.5%)

Nobody ever called him "Barry O." as a kid. He copied that from the nickname Hammer gave Emmanuel Lewis on the Surreal Life.
3 (27.3%)

That woman just walked right in here, went on about four different tangents and stormed out. I have no idea what she was talking about.
1 (10.0%)

We managed to have a staff meeting that was constructive, productive, and took less time than we planned. Don't expect that to happen again.
3 (30.0%)

That doggy loves the other doggy very much.
3 (30.0%)

Ugh. Five Guys. That's what happened.
3 (30.0%)

Because somebody there cares about it. It's "their" restaurant.
3 (27.3%)

They usually have abysmal health department scores. But if your kitchen, or your mother's kitchen, were subject to the same inspections, it would fail miserably too.
1 (9.1%)

They're not afraid to use butter, oil, salt, MSG, trans fats, or anything else you're not supposed to.
5 (45.5%)

Recipies are created and changed based on their success or actual feedback from customers and staff instead of seasonal promotions mailed to them from corporate.
2 (18.2%)

Trying to guess how much fatter they have become based on whether their profile picture is of their kid or their dog.
3 (27.3%)

Determining which of your female friends have already turned into their mothers based on the types of flair they send to you.
1 (9.1%)

Realizing which of the people you lost contact with since high school haven't changed since high school. Not in the "wow, you're still the awesome genuine person I loved" way but the "holy crap you still hang out at the same pool hall" way.
3 (27.3%)

The minute-by-minute updates on which of your friends are tired, don't feel like working, or would rather be drinking.
4 (36.4%)

Starbucks has the rare distinction of being a fast-food-like chain whose employees require few skills for their near-minimum wage and yet they all speak English. They're just showing off.
1 (10.0%)

Anything to distract you from the fact that you vastly overpaid for shitty coffee coupled with the added insult that you had to not only wait to order it but wait even longer to get it.
1 (10.0%)

They're trying to make you feel special, like Starbucks is some sort of Cheers for caffeine. The tip jar ain't gonna fill itself.
6 (60.0%)

Shoving a hyper-chatty, extra-smiley person in your face every morning before you've had your coffee simply reinforces your suspicion that you need coffee in the morning in order to deal with people.
2 (20.0%)

Yea.
6 (54.5%)

Nay.
5 (45.5%)

What can I look forward to now that my usual Monday afternoon mundane surprise of finding Saturday's mail sitting in the box because I forgot they deliver on Saturdays (again)?
7 (63.6%)

Now that we all know it's FedEx and UPS delivering all of the "Express" and "Overnight" packages for the Post Office, what excuse would anybody ever have for using them for an overnight delivery?
1 (9.1%)

Given the inadequacy of the near-constantly scrolling "The Digital TV Switch is Coming" information outreach, how does anybody plan to get this message across?
2 (18.2%)

If millions fewer pieces of mail were delivered in 2008 than in 2007, what should the Post Office write on the card with the bouquet they should send thanking GEICO for keeping them in business?
1 (9.1%)

Better extreme dorkery than lameass small talk. Discuss barometric pressure, the results of certain fronts and whatnot. As long as it's not "hoobydooby, sure is nipply out there!" you should be okay.
1 (10.0%)

It's fine that you like to talk about weather as long as you are acutely aware and respectful of any signs given off by the other person that they don't give a shit.
4 (40.0%)

Join a message board or something. Seriously, there's no cool way to talk about the weather.
4 (40.0%)

You may like talking about the weather, but you also may run into someone like me who contrarily challenges every weather conversation with how much they'd wish for cold when it's hot or how if it weren't raining they'd be bitching about drought.
1 (10.0%)

Boys in the Sand on Logo: weekly vignettes of three New York City boys' trips out to Fire Island and the fabulous adventures they happen to fall ass-backwards into. It's Sex OUT of the City!
0 (0.0%)

Debbie Does Dallas on Lifetime: the dramatic sacrifices a young girl has to make achieve her goal of being a professional cheerleader. What price is too high to pay for your dreams?
2 (20.0%)

Deep Throat on E!: A spinoff of Dr. 90210, this show focuses on a woman whose botched vagioplasty opened up a world of new choices to make. Guest appearances by the other Kardashian girls.
5 (50.0%)

Candy Stripers on ABC: it's just like Grey's Anatomy without the pesky fear of your doctors being more concerned about who they're porking in the closet than your test results.
3 (30.0%)

"It means I hate my father."
2 (20.0%)

"Kung Pao Karate."
2 (20.0%)

"It's like, the connection between art and life, right? Like the beauty of spirituality and creating a haven for art on my own skin."
3 (30.0%)

"Aim for this."
3 (30.0%)

Maxine of Arc.
3 (30.0%)

Whoa, she was the Singing Telegram Girl? I had no idea.
2 (20.0%)

When she acted like that Never-Was Da Brat had any credibility whatsoever in calling her a Has-Been.
3 (30.0%)

Any time she acted like she was anything less than the brains of the Go-Gos operation.
2 (20.0%)

At the supermarket when the person in front of you either doesn't know what their WIC check can and cannot be used for, doesn't understand the cashier trying to explain it to them, or is pretending on either in order to score a Dr Pepper.
2 (20.0%)

Behind the person at the bagel/donut shop who can't keep track of how many of their dozen they've chosen so far or what the other flavors are (i.e. what's hiding under the powdered sugar or is that chocolate chip or cinnamon raisin).
0 (0.0%)

When you notice the minivan in front of you at the drive thru has at least five children bouncing around in the back.
4 (40.0%)

After waiting for what felt like 7 hours to be close enough that you're within the concrete barriers at a toll booth (assuming you're dumb enough not to have an EZ Pass or equivalent), the reverse lights on the car ahead of you turn on.
4 (40.0%)

Elementary school cafeterias remain devoid of soda machines.
1 (10.0%)

Okay, so we'll get flying cars, but they look more like Princess Vespa's Mercedes than a Delorian.
2 (20.0%)

Widespread reports show telling your boss to go fuck himself will still result in a firing.
4 (40.0%)

Daytime court television programs still limited to adjudicating small claims and other minor legal disputes/Supreme Court justices will not be replaced by Judges Judy, Joe Brown, Hatchett, Alex, and Mills Lane.
3 (30.0%)

Yes. Hollywood loves to posthumously reward celebrities who died of exotic things like drug overdoses/It was totally awesome and deserved it/it might have made people give a shit about the Oscars.
4 (40.0%)

No way. It's a comic book movie/people saw it/it made more money in 30 days than all of the 2007 Best Picture nominees combined.
6 (60.0%)

Anybody who still isn't aware of the digital switch probably can't read.
4 (40.0%)

Nobody actually watches TV with rabbit ears, this is all an elaborate plot for the nerds on slickdeals and other sites to make money buying converter boxes with the coupons and then selling the boxes on eBay.
1 (10.0%)

If this is what the government calls "lack of sufficient public awareness", we really can't expect anyone to know anything, can we?
2 (20.0%)

If two years and level of notification saturation wasn't enough to pull it off, pushing it back a few months isn't going to help. Don't even bother.
3 (30.0%)

Doing what all former presidents and Real World Alums do: wandering from college to college making speeches about things that have little to do with what made them famous.
2 (18.2%)

Two words: Buffy Marathon.
2 (18.2%)

On Wednesday morning, he and Laura are going to have a talk. He's made at least a lifetime of decisions over the past eight years. From now on, she's in charge. Don't ask what he wants for dinner, where to go on vacation, the man is on auto pilot.
4 (36.4%)

He's gonna one-up Gore one more time: he'll put on about 50lb and grow the most bitchin' mountain man beard the world has ever seen.
3 (27.3%)

Truly Evil.
0 (0.0%)

They couldn't even pull that off.
11 (100.0%)

Keep said ankles and wrists aglisten with hand sanitizer.
1 (9.1%)

The ol' spray bottle. Nothing disciplines cats like that.
7 (63.6%)

Every time he does, put a sock over his head. He will either get distracted enough to move on to something else, figure it out eventually, or end up enjoying the sockhead game so much that it has the reverse effect.
2 (18.2%)

Try your best not to react. He is a mini-tiger, after all. They don't hunt tree stumps, they hunt quick, jerking, skiddish deer.
1 (9.1%)

We here at the Friday Poll promise, no matter the economic climate, to provide what we pride ourselves on: quality answers for quality questions.
3 (27.3%)

Depending on the condition of the final 4Q08 reports, we may have to make a cutback or two. We can't be handing out twofers like we used to.
2 (18.2%)

I, as your dedicated Friday Poll writer, promise to start working on this thing earlier so stuff like Friday morning meetings and Friday afternoon deadlines don't affect the quality content you have come to know and love.
4 (36.4%)

When interest rates are down, we will recover the following week with a wide variety of tasteless answers, provide our own innovative and catchy questions, and if the chips are down enough, slurs! Slurs! Slurs!
2 (18.2%)

"mmmhmmm. I think it was Dolly Parton who said it first. Or was the first person to have it said to lolz."
2 (18.2%)

Sit quietly, say nothing and hope another glorious nugget like this will come out before the subject changes. Make a mental note to relay this story to the next black person you see, no matter who they are or if you even know them.
5 (45.5%)

"It may have been popularized by country music, but I understand it got started during Vietnam as a term for the hookers from how the guys couldn't understand what they were saying."
0 (0.0%)

"I think 'ho' is also, ya know, like garden hoes? Something a guy uses to get what he wants?"
4 (36.4%)

An Addams Family Pinball Game.
4 (36.4%)

Upgrading one of the tubs to a ginormous whirlpool tub.
4 (36.4%)

Home theaterize the family room.
3 (27.3%)

Gigantic two-temperature wine fridge.
0 (0.0%)

While some recommend behaving like a hurricane is coming, another effective philosophy is it's Christmas from now through Tuesday: nothing's open, don't even bother going out.
2 (18.2%)

Take this opportunity to explore the back roads you've always wondered where they went while sitting in soul-crushing traffic.
5 (45.5%)

Turn on the TV, point and laugh. Perhaps a drinking game or two based on the number of times someone's arrested for public urination, when the reporter talks about how cold it is, or footage of the scene at the Rossyln metro.
1 (9.1%)

Organize the shit out of their closets.
3 (27.3%)

I've got a dozen things to do between now and 4pm. Can't even think about it.
1 (9.1%)

This will be a nice relaxing weekend, fun with temperatures between 2 and 3 times those at home.
0 (0.0%)

And here I thought going to Disney World two years in a row would lessen the excitement. Boy was I wrong.
0 (0.0%)

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
10 (90.9%)

He's the only human male in thousands of miles. Likewise, it's not like he's going to cheat on her: the only time he's around other human women, he hasn't got a second to spare.
0 (0.0%)

Because North Pole elves don't look much like Legolas.
3 (27.3%)

The man is the President and CEO of an outfit that employs thousands, has been in business for hundreds of years, has flawless PR and pulls it all off with only one night a year of actual labor. He knows how to do things right.
8 (72.7%)

He dedicated a classified elf task force to make special toys just for her.
0 (0.0%)

They've been together for so long, it's just a habit at this point. Plus, breaking up would be a huge hassle and who wants to go back onto the dating scene once they've been out of it for years and years?
0 (0.0%)

A freelance, work-at-home copyeditor.
0 (0.0%)

You work at Uncle Lucky's pumkin farm.
4 (44.4%)

One of the producers of that new horror-flick/reality show.
0 (0.0%)

Somebody who CNN pays to send in "viewer comments" when they haven't gotten enough for the day.
5 (55.6%)

Srsly. What's up with that?
2 (18.2%)

It's a vicious cycle, folks. A low question week tends to inspire few new questions and so on.
2 (18.2%)

New year, new beginnings. We're on an odd-numbered year, so maybe we'll get back to the 23-respondent/12-question per week days of yore.
0 (0.0%)

You're not helping.
7 (63.6%)

He wasn't my nemesis, but Ricky Leggio got me in trouble once when he thought it was a good idea to pour gasoline on a strip of capgun caps and smash them with a hammer. I hope the warden gives him an extra pudding cup this Christmas.
0 (0.0%)

Thanks to the magic of Facebook, it appears that some of those bitchy little girls who made fun of me in 3rd grade for getting chubby have received a healthy dose of justice already.
8 (72.7%)

The butchy girlbully Kelly Temple who tried to choke me in the elementary school bathroom and used to slap me on the bus got a note from her mewling spineless husband's mistress saying he's not going to take her abuse anymore and that he's leaving.
2 (18.2%)

Mrs. Pflug, my 2nd grade math teacher, whose harrowing timed math quizzes that I attribute my math anxiety and crippling inability to perform basic arithmetic will get a fantastic 401K statement showing a tidy 80% loss for the 4th quarter of 2008.
1 (9.1%)

Guitar.
1 (9.1%)

Drums.
2 (18.2%)

Bass.
1 (9.1%)

Singing.
3 (27.3%)

These games are lame.
4 (36.4%)

bguster08: He sounds like he has a fucking speech impediment... What ever happened to real hip-hop... this is the shittiest thing I've ever heard.
3 (33.3%)

garoy22: i just dont understand why people dig this idiot's song...this is not rap and lil wayne is not a rapper, he's more like a chihuahua on dope
2 (22.2%)

macewindu064: Agreed. Lil Wayne = EPIC FAIL
1 (11.1%)

eazzyLL: dis aint no hip hop hip hop isnt goin ne where but down true hip hop is old skool 2pac n eazy e not lil wayne
3 (33.3%)

"Like a princess."
1 (10.0%)

"um, same."
1 (10.0%)

"I have a pink cupcake!"
2 (20.0%)

"I don't feel like talking anymore."
6 (60.0%)

Not much, really.Back in the day LJ was an integral part of my life, a creative outlet and the best way to stay in touch with friends. Now? eeh. I'll check it if I check it. I'm part of the problem.
3 (27.3%)

Figure out which RSS feeder I'm going to switch over to.
0 (0.0%)

Start up my own journal on my own site or blogspot or something and hope my friends bookmark me.
2 (18.2%)

Make mine the best status updates Facebook has ever seen!
1 (9.1%)

Okay so I'm being all calloused and hardassed. If LJ were to log out for good, I'd seriously be devastated and would rather not think about it.
5 (45.5%)

While one big bed for both of us would be ideal, we can live for a night or two on a bed like this.
8 (72.7%)

Um....well...not really... I may say it's okay but I'll be talking shit about you and your crappy guest room the whole ride home.
3 (27.3%)

2
0 (0.0%)

4
3 (30.0%)

7
4 (40.0%)

9
3 (30.0%)

On your way in, you stop at the little market in town for food and booze. The old guy working there tells you the cabin's long and unpleasant history and the four of you spend the rest of the weekend each trapped in a replay of one of the events.
3 (30.0%)

Saturday evening, Monopoly game in full swing and a few bottles of wine down, carolers arrive at the door. You listen and give them a bottle of wine. 5 minutes later, they're back, & the look in their eyes lets you know they're not thirsty for wine.
1 (10.0%)

The residents of the only other cabin around greet you on your way in. But something isn't right about their adult son, whom they volunteer to bring some freshly chopped firewood for your stay. He arrives later with a little more chopping to do.
2 (20.0%)

Everything in the town nearby looks like it was all built in the 50's but progress suddenly stopped. What you didn't know when you booked was that it was once the site of atom bomb testing, which resulted in some unusual traits in the forest animals.
4 (40.0%)

The same way it began: on the whim of an intangible deity.
1 (10.0%)

The aliens who gave us Bluetooth technology (they have super-sensitive corneal receptors to white light, making our teeth look blue), after spying our every thought devise a plan to wipe the earth clean for their use. We'll never know what hit us.
1 (10.0%)

Ironically enough, after all of our efforts to conserve or find alternates to oil, they will have worked so well that the world will end up being engulfed in a gigantic oil slick, choking the seas and igniting the skies.
5 (50.0%)

A giant meteor will be spotted hurtling towards the earth. NASA decides to send a group of ragtag miners to plant a bomb in the meteor's core. They succeed, only to shower the earth with a malestrom of molten iron shards.
3 (30.0%)

Slanket: available in 11 colors. Snuggie: available in 3 colors. Advantage: Slanket. Especially when one of those colors is called "Texas Tea".
1 (10.0%)

Slanket: $44.95 each. Snuggie: Buy one for $19.95, get the second for $7.95. Advantage: Snuggie. Nobody is going to advertise that they got the "fancy" expensive blanket with arms.
3 (30.0%)

Slanket: nice, modern website with rotating images featuring hipsters with plug earrings. Snuggie: essentially the internet version of an 800 number. Advantage: Slanket.
5 (50.0%)

Slanket: all colors sold out until at least Jan. 12. Snuggie: no apparent shortage. Advantage: Snuggie. When one wants to give a gift to their shut-in catlady aunt, they want it now.
1 (10.0%)

On the coasts, people are no longer allowed to say the C-word. One of the malls nearby has even gone so far as to title their running special "The Twelve Days of Holiday."
1 (10.0%)

If you believe the media, it's because people are desperately trying to keep their spirits up and hold onto a fleeting sense of normalcy by buying the same amount of stupid crap they buy every year. What the excuse was last year, I forgot.
5 (50.0%)

I don't know what you do for a living, so I have no idea. Maybe people still have money left over in their 2008 budgets and have to spend it before Dec. 31 or they won't get the same allocations next year.
2 (20.0%)

While the modern ability to shield one's self from commericals is a good protector against Christmas over-saturation, I do think it plays a role in not getting in the spirit quickly.
2 (20.0%)

I thought the things you had to take out of the body in Operation were weird, but this is ridiculous.
6 (60.0%)

Maybe this is what really happened with Jonas and Rusty.
3 (30.0%)

So when he grows up, he'll be thinking of stupid things to say that will embarass him but won't have the problem of blurting them out.
1 (10.0%)

The condition this kid has, which has resulted in a foot in his head is called "foetus in foetu". Lolz.
0 (0.0%)

Guilty as charged.
3 (30.0%)

I didn't, but thankfully every blogger in the world made it tired in a few hours.
7 (70.0%)

"Let My People Go" Hannukkah Toilet Seat Cover.
4 (40.0%)

Yule Doos Christmas Ornament
1 (10.0%)

The Wine Rack.
3 (30.0%)

Wacky Electronic Yodeling Pickle.
2 (20.0%)

Fred Claus.
1 (11.1%)

Four Christmases.
4 (44.4%)

Christmas with the Kranks.
3 (33.3%)

Surviving Christmas.
1 (11.1%)

The Wonder Twins.
1 (11.1%)

Jar Jar Binks.
1 (11.1%)

Tony the Tiger.
4 (44.4%)

Aquaman is ideal for this. He's obscure enough for the folks who think they're nerd-hip for having seen Iron Man in the theater, accessible enough for the masses to get it and simple enough to explain to someone who doesn't.
3 (33.3%)

For your nightly rate, divide the current retail price of your most expensive but inconvenient-to-move possession by its weight in pounds and multiply by $100.
0 (0.0%)

Start with $1000 per night, then subtract $100 for each 10th of a mile you are from the nearest Metro station (i.e. 3/10 = $300) then add $100 back for each 100 miles away the renter is coming from.
3 (33.3%)

Depends on where you run your ad. Craigslist: $300 per night. Washington Post: $400 per night. The City Paper: $700 per night. The Hill: $900 per night.
1 (11.1%)

Multiply your security deposit or home insurance deductible by three.
5 (55.6%)

His stylist was inspired by Dana Carvey's Ted Koppel impersonation.
2 (22.2%)

He always admired the plucky, never-say-die spirit of Mikey from the Goonies.
3 (33.3%)

The ladies love that Tom Cruise fellow, right? Wasn't he in a film called Risky Business?
2 (22.2%)

He heard they're remaking Revenge of the Nerds and he's trying to land the role of Stan Gable.
2 (22.2%)

Although they know since nobody ever plans to go into CVS, nobody will ever have thought to bring any coupons with them. One would think they could get away with giving out super awesome coupons, but remember, it's CVS.
0 (0.0%)

CVS remains in business to provide a monthly dose of incompetence, frustration, and contact with subintelligent cashiers to all the people out there who think it's "ridiculous" to pay $2.95 shipping to drugstore.com for their prescriptions.
2 (22.2%)

Old people need to check their blood pressure regularly on the machine.
4 (44.4%)

While doctors have to endure a few years of a shitty residency after they complete their extensive schooling as a pre-payback for the cushy job that awaits them, pharmacists need a place to look back upon and resent too.
3 (33.3%)

I had more money.
6 (66.7%)

I really cared enough about any of them.
0 (0.0%)

I didn't think most charities squandered their donations on administrative costs and stuff.
1 (11.1%)

I wasn't afraid of getting on their mail/phone future begging list.
2 (22.2%)

A jar scented candle.
2 (22.2%)

A travel mug from Starbucks.
2 (22.2%)

A 7-11 gift certificate.
2 (22.2%)

A gift basket of spa soaps and lotion from some noname brand they had in the gift aisle of CVS (another reason why they stay in business).
3 (33.3%)

A Happy Herculoids Holiday.
3 (33.3%)

Comet the Brown-Nosing Reindeer.
1 (11.1%)

The Lord Who Was Too Little To Leap.
2 (22.2%)

Parson Brown's Christmas Eve Party.
3 (33.3%)

The three-day long barbecue buzz that starts Wednesday night and lasts until Saturday night.
1 (8.3%)

Enduring the annual "HOLY SHIT WORST BLACK FRIDAY EVAR" reports from the various news outlets.
2 (16.7%)

Laughing your ass off at the people who spent all night waiting outside of Best Buy for a chance to get one of three sale items that aren't really that good of a deal anyway.
8 (66.7%)

Trying to guess how those random old balloons from the 40's they sprinkle the Macys parade with were relevant and who on earth might actually remember them.
1 (8.3%)

An underground cabal whose fingers are in all sorts of pies.
3 (25.0%)

Any group that has a password or a secret handshake.
2 (16.7%)

The Swiss Mafia.
2 (16.7%)

An organization dedicated to inserting subliminal messages with no real overlying theme into print media.
5 (41.7%)

I use a duvet so it's no more complicated than straitening a blanket.
1 (8.3%)

I haven't raked leaves yet, but I intend to either rake or leafblow them off of my yard before winter. I'd rather not kill my grass.
2 (16.7%)

In DC, the rain doesn't contain soap. In fact, it's a good idea to wash the rain off your car.
4 (33.3%)

I'm neither of those things. Just an adult.
5 (41.7%)

Fanny Packs, please. They were so useful.
5 (41.7%)

The nationwide return of platform sneakers.
4 (33.3%)

A popularization of souvenir t-shirts which broadcast the name of a place you have visited.
1 (8.3%)

In effort to equalize the perception of beauty, bib overalls.
2 (16.7%)

You found it randomly on a bathroom floor and there's nothing imprinted on it that indicates what it is. Of course you should.
0 (0.0%)

Not yet. It's a little too red.
4 (33.3%)

Keep your hands off your face. Popping that will only make new ones form.
4 (33.3%)

That kid has been really well behaved. Don't fuck with his balloon.
4 (33.3%)

Scruffy.
0 (0.0%)

Katarina.
2 (16.7%)

Xanthor.
3 (25.0%)

All of these cat names are fine as long as they come along with a proper title (i.e. Monsignor, Admiral). All cat names should have titles.
7 (58.3%)

Paying money for.
4 (33.3%)

Giving a shit about.
3 (25.0%)

Believing it's still the old Guns 'n' Roses we knew and loved.
4 (33.3%)

Liked, inferring that you actually listened to.
1 (8.3%)

Employment Surges to 96%; Americans' Leisure Time Threatened.
3 (25.0%)

Voilent Crimes Plummet For Third Consecutive Year; Police Feel Degraded By Increase of Time Spent Writing Jaywalking Tickets.
1 (8.3%)

Airlines Eliminate Baggage Fees in Effort to Boost Decreased Ticket Sales.
5 (41.7%)

Housing Bubble Reinflates; ARM and Interest-Only Loans Repopularize.
3 (25.0%)

Never.
8 (100.0%)

Brooke Swansea, Women's 400 m individual medley.
0 (0.0%)

Pierce Fletcher, Men's individual archery.
8 (88.9%)

Toni Roundoff, Women's floor gymnastics.
1 (11.1%)

Finn Sleekwater, Men's 200 m freestyle.
0 (0.0%)

Immodium AD: Spend less time AFK or Fewer BRBs.
3 (33.3%)

Band Aid Liquid Bandages: Nothing gets between you and your touchscreen.
2 (22.2%)

American Express Cardholder Identity Theft Warnings: Protect your a/s/l.
1 (11.1%)

Burger King: You Can Has Cheeseburger.
3 (33.3%)

If your corporate mission statement is to make Americans look bad, then there's no better place to broadcast from than Golden, America's Semifunctional Real Life Wild West Museum Park.
2 (25.0%)

Given Al Jazeera's high standards of journalistic integrity, they wanted to make sure they were stationed in a place as far away from Democrat influence as they could be.
1 (12.5%)

There won't be any Buffalo Rose regulars there to greet them - the biker bar crowd skipped town to wait out the Convention.
0 (0.0%)

Sun damaged? Excessive smoking? Gun carrying? I betcha the Buffalo Rose guys also hate gays and think the government should do more to inflict religion on the public. Those Al Jazeera guys are going to feel right at home.
5 (62.5%)

Grammar Nazis.
3 (37.5%)

When you're IMming with somebody and you make an obvious yet understandable typeo and they pretend not to know what you're tlaking about. TLAKING? WHAAA?
5 (62.5%)

Don't worry, thanks to the omnipotent vigilance of his parents, that kid is sure to get himself killed or maimed long before he becomes an adult.
0 (0.0%)

Asswipes like that kid only grow up to be loud, noisy adults, whether they're loud and noisy about their shitty music taste, favorite sports team, how they're not subject to the judgment of their peers, or their recent purchases.
4 (44.4%)

Once he realizes he's screaming all the time because he's starved for attention, he'll turn into a very quiet and docile emo kid.
2 (22.2%)

All you need to do is go over there and calmly explain to his parents how his behavior is negatively effecting you. They will take your plea to heart, apologize for your trouble, and begin teaching the child about manners and proper behavior.
3 (33.3%)

Drive about 2 1/2 hours north into Delaware, take 896 east to 301 south.
1 (11.1%)

Drive about 2 1/2 hours south on 95 to 64 East through Williamsburg and then take 13 north.
0 (0.0%)

Use your jetpack/hovercar.
3 (33.3%)

They don't. Again, you've got to be out of your goddamn mind to go to the beach on a weekend like this.
5 (55.6%)

Fringe: a research scientist (described as "Frankenstein mixed with Albert Einstein"), his son, and a female FBI agent who brings them back together. A J.J. Abrams Joint.
3 (37.5%)

Crusoe: a guy who looks like Boromir & Farimir's lost brother is shipwrecked on a remote tropical island for 28 years encountering enemies and braving the elements.
1 (12.5%)

True Blood: the fictional co-existence of vampires and humans in a small Louisiana town after Japanese-made synthetic blood – "TruBlood" – becomes available for purchase.
2 (25.0%)

My Own Worst Enemy: another classic literature interpretation, this time of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Christian Slater, we've missed you.
2 (25.0%)

I can't wait.
0 (0.0%)

I want it to be good, but I also know Selma Blair couldn't act her way out of a paper bag.
7 (100.0%)

I can't wait.
1 (14.3%)

I want it to be good, but the premise of a drama about vapid Beverly Hills teenagers doesn't have the same novelty it did 20 years ago.
6 (85.7%)

Maybe not, but you have to think any time you're eating raw fish more than 100 miles of where it was caught you're rolling the dice.
4 (36.4%)

Legally? Probably. But it's not like you can prove anything - your evidence is floating somewhere in the Potomac.
3 (27.3%)

Do they really have to put that on a sushi menu? Are there asterisks next to every item?
2 (18.2%)

While it may not excuse bad food handling practices, it does lure the chefs into a false sense of security knowing the blame is preventively shifted off of them somewhat, and may lead to bad knife or cutting board cleaning habits.
2 (18.2%)

The person is so easily manipulated that the power of suggestion can trump reality.
6 (60.0%)

The person has such an active and overwhelming imagination that simply thinking of an unpleasant thing brings it to life.
4 (40.0%)

The Organization of Pomegranate Producers (you down with OPP?) masterful slogan, "Pomegranates: not just for dried floral arrangements!" caught the world by storm in 2004.
2 (20.0%)

We all thought the Consolidated Oat Bran Research Association disbanded in 1989, but the truth is they simply went underground to re-emerge and reorganize under their new mission: promoting the lowly flax seed.
1 (10.0%)

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't Lipton or the Chinese government behind the recent tea craze, but the makers of tiny staples.
6 (60.0%)

Nothing will ever beat the tangled web of bribery and kickbacks the International Pine Nut Union wove back in 2000.
1 (10.0%)

On a gigantic mattress stuffed with receipts from Old School DVD sales.
4 (36.4%)

With their lips still wrapped suggestively around the neck of a Miller Lite bottle.
5 (45.5%)

In the kind of deep, dream-filled sleep that comes with knowing you're only going to get in so much trouble with the nannycensor types when your comedy schtick revolves around legal drugs.
1 (9.1%)

They don't sleep. They haven't stopped working. Either they're unthreatened by the new Comedy Overlords or they haven't even noticed.
1 (9.1%)

Last-second merging dickholes.
3 (27.3%)

Pussy enablers.
8 (72.7%)

ICE MOTHER FUCKIN T.
3 (30.0%)

1991 Wesley Snipes could beat just about anybody in a fistfight.
7 (70.0%)

Tank Girl.
1 (9.1%)

Johnny Mnemonic.
3 (27.3%)

Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood.
7 (63.6%)

3000 Miles to Graceland.
0 (0.0%)

Hey, I gave him two sets of real answers. That's pretty good, right?
3 (30.0%)

Don't encourage him.
7 (70.0%)

If somebody's going to redo Rocky Horror Picture Show, I hope it would be John Waters. And you need a swimmer more than an actor to have a good Rocky.
5 (45.5%)

Crab Trap: A quirky story about an awkwardly attractive Baltimore lesbian (Natasha Lyonne) who finds herself helplessly drawn to a crab fisherman (Phelps). She's been happy eating clam her whole life...can she make the switch?
0 (0.0%)

Twerps: Fraternity brothers at UMD are the victims of a wave of pranks, ranging from embarrassing to health-code violating. Phelps is Marlon Atwater, the Chi Upsilon brother determined to find the pranksters and get revenge.
2 (18.2%)

We won't. The days of Wacky Waters Baltimoricana are over. Hairspray is making him more money than he's ever seen and the man isn't getting any younger.
4 (36.4%)

They're tearing out the extra parking lot to put in a tennis court. Even though there's a public court across the street and the site is exactly where a tennis court stood until 2002 when it was replaced with parking because nobody plays tennis.
3 (27.3%)

They now allow residents to have pets. Apparently, after counting the cockroaches, vandals and squatters, they figured there aren't enough animals in the building.
0 (0.0%)

All record of the drainage problem in the back lot must have been erased when the last management company fixed it in 2005, leading these guys to believe it's a good idea to tear up all of the bushes on the hill from which the runoff was streaming.
2 (18.2%)

They're converting the management office/lounge area in the lobby into a Cyber Cafe. That's right. A Cyber Cafe.
6 (54.5%)

lol, yellow pages.
8 (72.7%)

THE NEW PHONE BOOKS ARE HERE, THE NEW PHONE BOOKS ARE HERE!
3 (27.3%)

Hold the phone, pal. There's enough hubub over who can marry whom these days. Let's take this one step at a time.
3 (25.0%)

The Poll isn't really the commitment type. It has so much love for everybody that it wouldn't be happy tying itself down.
4 (33.3%)

I guess you could, but think about the ceremony...yeah, awkward.