May 13th, 2001

JOY

Not Your Father's MTV

A special thanks goes out to Vh1 for all of their 100 Greatest ____ of Rock n Roll lists. Finally, someone in the media realizes that the American public can only absorb information that is doled out to them in a reverse-chronological order justified by a fabricated authenticity provided by heads talking who we usually only see singing FOR A REASON (how many of us care where Dave Grohl was when he first saw Sledgehammer or how much Hank Rollins thinks there is the sound of a "caged animal" in Billie Holiday's voice?).

How did they come up with these absurd lists? Don't point the finger at them. They are simply mainlining the opinion of the artists you love through your television. Disagree with Madonna's Like a Prayer being #2? Don't worry, Chris Issak, the host, will remind us that "some think this video is provocative and groundbreaking." The idea that anything to do with Ugly-guy-rock band Creed made it on any list of superlatives wanna make you sick upon yourself? Think it's re-goddamn-diculous that the Motown 25th Anniversary special was a Greater TV Moment than Elvis from the waist up on Ed Sullivan? Vh1 didn't make up the list, they compiled it from all of those voting cards they sent to the stars we love and the record industry folks we wouldn't know if we shared an elevator with. Vh1 has no opinion, they're just telling us what our should be.

Whether the network created them or they created the network, Vh1 viewers, or more particularly those who feel that their opinion matters enough to log on to the Vh1 website, must have the long-term memories of rabid squirrels. On tonight's countdown, the Greatest Videos of All Time (a definitive that we all mistakingly thought MTV copyrighted in 1998), as a garnish to the usual circus of self-promotion, they showed us the results of their vh1.com poll of the sexiest videos of all time. The viewers who went to the website clicked their opinion chose the following videos: Britney Spears, Oops I did it again; Faith Hill, Breathe; Madonna, Justify My Love; Janet Jackson, Love Will Never Do Without You; and Chris Issak's Wicked Game. Does the average human being remember anything that happened to them before the 1999 Video Music Awards? You know me, you know that I love Britney. I'm aware that Faith Hill is a singer. But please, the top five? maybe if Vh1 took some responsibility for teaching the masses shit from shinola, we would have better audience polls, better music channels, better music listeners.

And the world will be a better place. And the world will be a better place. For you, and me, you just wait and see.
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    The idiotic Vh1 show that inspired this.
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