September 4th, 2001

JOY

Warning: Insensitive Rant to Follow

Human Resources is such a pile of shit. The whole idea of it. There is nothing more obviously self-propagating in the workplace than HR. It is the grownup version of the Guidance Counselor. This analogy is important when you think of how Human Resources stays around and how it manages to create needs for itself.

In high school, either you saw your guidance counselor every day, or saw him/her maybe twice to schedule your SAT or fill out college applications. Those who saw their guidance counselor every day are the type of people who create HR: people who had to tattle on their classmates and teachers, those who couldn’t deal with the workload that was given them and needed to come up with some excuse, or people who needed someone to pay attention to them. The rest of us got along fine without our guidance counselor and continue to get along without human resources in our adult lives.

I see HR once every two weeks when they hand out paychecks, once a month to get my metro farecards, once every quarter when they ask if we want to sign up for 401K. I have to wonder what they do with themselves for the rest of the year, and what part of their job is there that couldn’t be handled by some other department. Accountants can hand out checks; accountants can hand out farecards; accountants can manage 401K accounts. Secretaries can hand out checks; secretaries can hand out farecards. Individual managers can hand out checks; individual managers can hand out farecards; individual managers can do their own hiring. What I’m getting at is that if a Human Resources department was eliminated from a particular company, life could go on.

Then we have the people who were weaned on constant guidance counselor attention and now depend on HR. Whiners. Crybabies. Candyasses. In school, they were the tattlers, the victims (the kids who didn’t feel like doing the classwork and thought that their teachers “had it in for them” because the teacher wanted the victim to do the same work as the rest of the class and threatened failure if they didn’t), the kids who couldn’t deal well enough with the trials and tribulations of adolescence and needed someone else to blame – in general, the people who couldn’t take responsibility for their own actions. These people have grown up, physically, and now they need a new, similar outlet.

Maybe it’s the same children that grew up tattling who grow up to be Human Resources employees. Take, for example, an event that occurred in my office (not to me, btw) this past Friday: Employee 1 sends out this Dress Up Jesus link via email, but mistakenly adds one of the HR people’s name to the list of recipients. The Human Resources Guy forwards the forward to the president of the company with no other introduction than “FYI”.

First of all, what a fucking bitch. If Human Resources Guy was actually a man, he would have deleted it and moved on, or even if he had to complain, he could have gone straight to Employee 1 and aired his concern/grievance. Second, the President had to respond, since HR is made up of those same pansies who go to HR, a stink would be made if he didn’t. So he replied, only to the recipients of the initial forward, with a message that said to be more careful when choosing what to send to co-workers and what not to send (well handled, in my opinion).

I think the only way to veer our society away from the Class-Action-Lawsuit/Petitioning/Support-Group hypersensitive, blame-everyone-else, all-talk-no-action, no-backbone, all-whine mentality that it has grown to embrace is to nip it in the bud, starting with the total elimination of Human Resources Departments.

Thank You.
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