September 19th, 2001

JOY

Blow out these candles, you dirty sons of bitches

Unsettling News has reared its head. Apparently the FBI has examined their evidence and determined that last Tuesday's attacks are part of a larger scheme, and pinpointed September 22 as an "important date" but will not specify exactly why it's an important date.

No fucking shit it's an important date. My birthday party is that night.

I'd like to see some crazed terrorists ruin my party. Or, as Andy said, "It was MY birthday! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off
amsterdam

Take that, Letterman

A very common joke among standup comics, those ridiculous one-celled Sunday “funnies” and Bazooka Joe gum inserts has to do with women and our inability to resist anything that is on sale. ”Dear, why did you spend $300 dollars on all of this useless crap?” “Well, honey, it was on sale! I had to buy it!” Oh, you. I am no exception to this tired comedy rule.

I stopped by the supermarket on my way home from work tonight. I had a specific list with me, but as we have all learned, I am not very good at sticking to it. One of tonight’s non-essential buys was cereal. Two boxes of it, to be exact, both of which chock full of Kid-Tested Mother Approved goodness. Kix is on sale at Giant this week on a buy one get one free. So at two boxes for $3.39, I couldn’t pass it up. When I got home, I just dropped them off in my pantry closet with the rest of the cereal and didn’t think much of it until I was bragging about my wise purchase on the phone with Mickey tonight.

Then I looked closer at that pantry. I have twelve boxes of cereal in my kitchen. Does this make me Jerry Seinfeld or his fellow cereal loving ex-fiancee Jeanne Steinmann? Cereal can be very expensive – in some cases over five dollars a box, but for some reason I have gotten it in my head that cereal is never on sale. In reality, some type of cereal is on sale every week, but every week, it seems like a wonderful surprise to me, and I just can’t help myself but buy a box or three. Who knows when cereal will be on sale again?

Of the twelve boxes of cereal in my kitchen, ten of which have been opened. Ten. Need I remind you that I live alone. This means, as Mick pointed out, that I could make up any number of ridiculous Top Ten lists about my cereal, including:

Top Ten Favorite Cereals That I Have Open Boxes Of In My Kitchen

10. Honeycomb
9. Froot Loops
8. Cap'n Crunch
7. Corn Flakes
6. Raisin Bran
5. Rice Krispies
4. Lucky Charms
3. Corn Chex
2. Rice Chex
1. Crunchy Corn Bran