January 26th, 2002

JOY

Finding Fantasy in a Real World

We all know how powerless to MTV I am. They say jump, I ask how high. I feel no shame in this, even when it results in my staying up until 5am watching the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, waking up exhausted at 2:15 only to tune into more.

For this season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, they have added this “fantasy league” of sorts where you can choose a team of 8 cast members, 4 boys and 4 girls. I’m still kind of cloudy on the rules, but from what I can tell, the 16 people will be on the show, and everyone will be rated in particular categories. If your team scores the most points from these categories, you win. Needless to say, I put a team together.

Some categories are worth more points than others. They are as follows:

Crying (5 points)
Fighting/Tantrums (10 points)
Hugs and Kisses (5 points)
Hooking Up/Making Out (20 points)
Nudity (15 points)
Getting Bleeped (3 points)
Trash-Talking (5 points)
Gossiping/Bad-Mouthing (5 points)
Pep Talk (5 points)
Getting Injured (10 points)
Refusal to Participate (15 points)
Flashback (5 points)
Bodily Function (10 points)
Foul Play (10 points)
Buzz Word (10 points)—This category seems cool: they choose a secret word ala Pee Wee’s Playhouse and every time a player says one, points are earned. I’m sure hoping that “feelings” or “where I come from” or “ign’ant” are on the list from time to time.

My team is mauney. I have chosen the whiningest, cryingest, weakest, most cowardly, sailor-mouthed ankle-spraining, shirt-raising sluts and whores available. The boys were the hard choices. I made a point of choosing the ones that the girls find most ign’ant in the hopes of merely using the boys to up the girls scores. The other boys I picked are the ones who have been known to be tolerant of these bitches and try to smooth things out, thus upping my “pep talk” chances. And I made sure I picked the hot ones that the girls would get on their backs for—or at least give plenty of hugs and kisses to.

I am a genius. When I win, I will get a new car.
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