April 11th, 2002


The Rules: Part Two

This second installment of The Rules is, the more I think about it, not it's own rule, but a sub-rule of the first rule, quite akin to the The Monty Python Mandate. But for the sake of continuity and consistency, it will be its own rule.

Rule the Second: The Observation Rule


The Tommy Lee Connection

Porno has it's place. We have all seen it, whether it was a private viewing for literal enjoyment or a public viewing for ironic enjoyment.

Hair Metal has it's place. We've all listened to it, whether it was a private airing for literall enjoyment or a public airing for ironic enjoyment.

Both porno and hair metal have legitimate value, both have an air of ridiculousness that can be laughed at. This is acceptable on all counts. The rule comes into play on *what* you find ridiculous about it. I'm sorry to say that while you may think you're original or witty for pointing out any of this ridiculousness, you are not the first, so if you are going to vocalize these ridiculousnesses in the effort to achieve a laugh from a crowd, be careful what you choose to Seinfeldize.

Let It Be Written:

Pointing out the charming quirkiness of Hair Metal is as lame and played as pointing out the terrible acting and/or music in a porno movie.

Charming quirkinesses include: makeup thickness, hair height, spandex elasticity. If you look at a photo of Bret Michaels circa 1988 and exclaim: "OMG! Will you LOOK at his HAIR?" you might as well be saying "OMG! Will you LISTEN to that awful 70's PORNO MUSIC?" Do not laugh at these comments. They are not funny, these are established facts. It's not funny to point out that the sky is blue, it is not funny to point out that Hair Bands looked, in retrospect, quite absurd.
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TV Review from an Unusual Source

Sometimes my mom just suddenly up and kicks ass. Like out of nowhere. She has exhibited very cool qualities before, but none as ever so random as this. I got back from a brain-melting meeting to find this email in my inbox:

Hey, I meant to tell you: The other night I was channel surfing and landed on the most bizarre program. I was "The Osbournes"!

It's one of those reality shows with a camera filming the real life of . . .
However, in this case, it was Ozzie Osbourne's family. Incredible! The entire family uses the F-word as just another adjective. Ozzie and the kids look really scary, but the wife/mother is in some ways the most bizarre. 'cause she looks like just another close-to-middle-aged, upper-middle class wife who does charity events--former Junior Leaguer--but is just as nutsy acting as the rest of the clan. They were doing their regular life stuff--looking for the cat (puss); 16-year old son trying to talk his mother into letting him go out Saturday night. She says, "You're not going to the F-----ing rave. Was most bizarre. Their house was gorgeous--beautifully decorated and very "normal" looking. Was pretty unbelieveable. Apparently, I caught parts of only the third episode. It's must-see TV on MTV. Am going to be sure I watch the next installment that's on Tuesday nights here.

I am stunned. I honestly don't know what to say. This may be the coolest thing she has ever said or done.
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