August 22nd, 2003

JOY

I'm marking the occasion with festive floral pants.

Today is my last day at ebuild. I am filled with a range of emotions from elation at my new freedom to a bittersweet sadness at not being able to work with some of these people anymore. But in no way am I sad that I'm leaving this job. ebuild has been a valuable learning experience, teaching me many many lessons.

I knew this was the wrong place for me after being here for a month. My boss, Karen, never talked to me. She was always too "busy" to teach me anything. So I sat. And sat. I'd ask her over and over again to help her with things, but she'd rather do all of the menial work I was hired to do herself because she thought teaching me would take too much time. I thought that I was just having new job jitters. I wish I knew how wrong I was.

Karen and my relationship improved, and I began finding work from other sources, particularly another manager named Michael. I liked how I could always get work from Michael and thought he was a better manager than Karen. I even thought about asking if I could switch to reporting to him. I wish I knew how wrong I was.

Things went sour between me and Michael after a scene that may well have been taken from a Human Resources video. After that incident, Michael, my primary source of work, didn't talk to me for six weeks. By this time, I was learning that whether I worked for 40 hours in the week or worked for say, 10 and played on livejournal for the other 20 or so, nobody cared, and I got the same amount of recognition. I was learning that if I showed up a half hour late and left a half hour early, nobody noticed either. I was learning that no matter how much I cared about my job or how important I thought it was for things to be right, it's nearly impossible to work Quality Assurance for a company that only cares about quantity. I learned that I could never excel at a company that expected failure and was satisfied with mediocrity.

All of these things drove me crazy. I demand of myself that I do the best job I can. I need to be busy. I had never been this idle at a job, or this ambivalent. And I hated it. So I started looking for a new job. This was the spring of 2002.

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