May 18th, 2004


Party Pandas!

Cashing in on the artfully decorated large plaster herbivore craze of the new millennium, "In the Summer of 2002, Party Animals public art program successfully captured the hearts of Washington's residents and visitors" by crapping up our street corners with that little extra dash of gaudiness Our Nation's Capital so sorely was lacking. While Chicago's cows were an homage, if you will, to the stockyards of yesteryear, DC chose Elephants and Donkeys to play on political paraprehenalia and to get under the skin of those wacky Greens.

Never backing down at an opportunity to plow a good idea into the ground, DC has released another round of animal sculptures, this time, Pandas. While Pandas may not seem to be as obvious a choice as Elephants and Donkeys to folks outside the beltway, DC spent a few mil on pandas some years back and have been struggling to get them to fuck ever since. Perhaps the sculptures will help Tian Tian and Mei Xiang feel a little friskier. And thus, the crapfest rages on.

Pish, posh, you say? Art for Art's sake! Crapping up the streetcorners? Hogwash! These sculptures enrich our souls and sharpen our minds! They pay tribute to art of the past and raise awareness of issues of today! Just take the example I glimpsed this morning, mon amis. While I waited for a light to change in my favor, my eyes and mind wandered to the panda jauntily seated across the street. But this was no ordinary panda. He was green, with flecks of white and black--quite like a watermelon. But, zut alors, this merry panda, in all of his watermelonness, was eating a slice of watermelon! Oh, the infinity! Oh, the irony! Oh, the abstraction!

But wait, my little buttercups, it gets a little spicier. As I approached the bearmelon, I noticed something unusual about his backside. Where did that slice of watermelon our furry friend was nibbling on come from, you ask? Why, right out of his own watermelony behind!
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