July 18th, 2005

When I'm Bad I'm Better

What $25 Buys You at Sephora

This Saturday after sleeping in and watching way too much TV, I tried to go to the pool at my building, only to hear a distant rumble of thunder and the consequent announcement that the pool would be closing just as I was laying my towel down for a nice change of lounging around scenery. Disappointed, but undaunted, I did something I rarely do: I went to the mall.

I had no reason to go to the mall. I tend to hate shopping and definitely no money to spend on anything anyway, but I did have a gift certificate and knew that if I didn't do something that afternoon I'd regret it for at least 9 hours. I got some food, wrote a very nice list of things I should get done before weekend's end, spent some of my gift certificate on a skirt that dammit I knew was too big when I tried it on but they didn't have a size smaller but I figured it would be alright and wouldn'tcha know it I'm wearing it today and it looks funny because hey! It's too big.

Anyoo, I wandered into some fancypants makeup place mostly because I had never been in there before, and that I've had a fresh spark of makeup interest thanks to a few of Carmindy's comments on What Not To Wear. Sure I'm down with the whole makeup thing, and anyone who saw me a few years ago knows I can work the liquid eyeliner. But I took a step back from makeup for a while, worrying that I'd become one of those women who can't leave the house without makeup on if I didn't break myself of the habit. I'm returning to makeup (or at least trying to - I keep forgetting to put it on) and thought it might be a good idea.

If Bull in a China Shop is too cliche a metaphor to use here, let's say I felt like...A Giant Tomboy in a Fancy Makeup Shop. I was familiar with all of the things: lipstick, blush, foundations and whatnot, but Jesus Christ what people were willing to pay for this stuff. And how brazenly they were all dipping their fingers in these compacts and rubbing them on their eyes when clearly that makeup has had plenty of fingers dipped in it today let alone any double dipping. I felt like I was bumping into everything and everyone, I felt like I was getting stared down by the employees.

But I really wanted to get something. The lure of the pretty and girly feeling I was bound to experience as a result of this purchase was irresistible. I found what I was looking for and after much hemming and hawing over the price, bought it, thus matching all the money I spent on makeup over the past 2 years with one eyeshadow duo.

Perhaps it's my recent return to singlehood, but I feel this pressure to feminize myself. Where exactly it's coming from, I don't know, but it's very conflicting. I feel like I'm supposed to do this, but I don't want to, and I keep thinking it's unfair that I have to act more like other women because of this unidentifiable pressure. Why do I feel like I have to change? Why do I think that this pressure is pushing me to be less fun and interesting and more willing to pay $25 on makeup that's going to make me feel girly?

I feel lately like I did this time at this dinner party my brother and his wife threw. The party broke into a men/women sort of conversation group, and while I wanted to be over with the guys talking about hockey, I felt like I was supposed to sit in with the roundtable discussion of Brad and Jen's wedding. I ended up sitting by myself watching the Simpsons. Well isn't that the most depressing thing I've ever written here. Pardon me while I go smoke.