March 2nd, 2006


You wanna know how I really feel? I feel like punching myself for trying to talk to you.

If one were to think by the tone of this that I am in a bad mood. This is not the case. I have been in a steadily excellent mood for nearly a week, but I am tired and I overslept for precisely one hour this morning.

I may or may not have mentioned this before, few catchphrases get under my skin deeper than "tell me how you REALLY feel". This is the standard fallback "joke" for the unfunny. Confused by others' sense of humor? Realize comedy has just taken place but don't know what to do with it? Uncomfortable with hyperbole? Just whip it out. Nothing tells the recipient of this little goldnugget that you have no real common ground on which to relate to them.

This morning, as every morning, I opened the freezer to find a bunch of ice cube trays with one or two ice cubes left in them. I, being the schmuck that I am, empty the remaining ice cubes in the buckets, take a tray for my giant watermug, and prepare to fill all four. A co-worker comes in, cries, "ooh! Ice!" and reaches for the tray intended for my mug. I tell him to take his mitts off it, that one's mine, and then fall into my prepared "who are these people" style-routine about who's just so busy they can't put water in a tray/didn't they have parents/and what about that last gluey paper towel, etc. etc. My humor-void of a co-worker says, "tell me how you REALLY feel."

I stopped filling the tray, looked at him, and said "if I did, it wouldn't be funny. There's no real comedic effect to 'this is annoying'. The exaggeration turns a mundane thought into something worth saying out loud." And to no surprise, he just kinda mumbled and said, "uh, yeah."

You know what burns my ass? People who still haven't figured out how to use those self-checkout lines at the grocery store. You wanna know how I really feel about it? I find it frustrating that an invention intended to make lines move faster is clogged when people who don't understand the device attempt to use it, therefore slowing the line down for both them and everyone else. If you're not good at scanning bar codes, leave it to the professionals. The rest of us would like to get out of the store without having to talk to anyone.