April 19th, 2006

Mej Fan Club

The Year of the Mej

Today is the one year anniversary of my thyroid exorcism. As I read back on the feelings I was having right before it happened, I know there was no way I could have known then what I know now, and if I did, could I truly understand how different my life would be afterward?

As I mentioned last year, I had been going to doctors on the hunch that I had a thyroid problem, and they all treated me like I was making it up, or that I was just looking for an easy out for my weight problem. I was scared that if I was right but I still wasn't able to lose weight, that I'd have to own up to the real problem - that I was using this undiagnosed problem as an excuse that freed me from responsibility.

From when they weighed me in at the hospital the morning of April 19, 2005 to this morning, I have lost 45lb.

The first half came off without my even trying. The latter half I've worked for, but considering how hard I worked the last time I had any success losing weight, how obsessive, restrictive, and anxiety-laden the experience was, this has been a cakewalk. I'm not saying it's been easy, but I am finally getting results comparative to the effort I've put in. I'm staring down a pant size that I haven't worn since I was 12 years old.

But the weight loss is just gravy. The icing on the cake. The head on the beer. It truly has been the Year of the Mej. Every day has been better than the one before it. Mentally and emotionally, I feel like a new person. Where I was constantly overwhelmed, I feel balanced. Where I was consumed with anger I have this newfound calm. I cried all the time, and if I got upset about the smallest thing, I couldn't shake it for hours. Everything that went wrong I would internalize as either being my fault, or just another turd on the shitpile that I was doomed to wade through. I feel like I am assigning the appropriate emotions to situations, and reacting accordingly. Sure there are things that still aren't perfect, but they're not staining my life like they used to.

This past year has seen new people, new experiences, and new interests enter my life; each one coming at the precise time that I needed them and fulfilling a role that I didn't even realize was vacant. Had it not been for my surgery, I wouldn't be making jewelry. I always knew I had a creativity and desire to express it but I had never found the right outlet.

While a year ago I was worried about the future making things harder, or at the very least no better, today I can look back and realize just how bad things were. I don't remember the last time I was this consistently happy. And when I think about how many little pieces had to come together in order for me to be where I am, how easily it could have gone wrong, and how I could have been living the rest of my life as miserable as I was and not knowing it. I didn't realize how bad things were, and when I try to think about how long I had been feeling that way, I have to wonder how long I had had this problem. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone - you also don't know how bad you had it until it's good again. Bob said to me the other night it's good to have me back. I didn't realize I went anywhere. And had everything not fallen precisely into place, I could have been gone forever. It's a big word to use, but have to say I feel blessed.

I should stop now before work catches me with a faceful of great big sloppy I Love Everybody Tears. Thank you all for everything that you've been. I've had the best year of my life.