The correct answers to last week's Stolen Wallet questions are:
pooplord -- The Red Cross... helpful, or vampires?
Helpful. If they were vampires, they'd know how to find a vein on the first try.
Vampires. Blood drives happen as often as Law & Order reruns on TNT, and yet there's always some sort of shortage.
twicketface -- Combos cheese your hunger away. How do other snack foods dispose of said hunger?
Bugles blast your hunger away.
Nix hunger with the smooth, calorie-free satisfaction of Parliament Lights.
Lay's chip away your hunger.
Stash away your hunger in a Hot Pocket!
absolutcalm -- Seriously, in Mexico, right now, there are EMO-RIOTS wherein people are being attacked for being EMO. Why isn't our country that awesome? Which "fringe" social group based on clothes and bad music should we be rioting against?
We should make like Romans and sack the Goths.
The kids who listen to "Nu-Metal" and still wear jncos and chain wallets and riot them the hell out of 1997.
We should be rioting against Emo kids too. Mexico doesn't want them, we sure as hell don't either. Send them to Canada where they'll fit in with all the rest of the pantywaist pussies.
Dudes who listen to the scruffy boyishly cute acoustic guitar singer/songwriter guys like John Mayer to make them trade in their leather flip flops for actual shoes. At least for October through April.
observacious -- Why did the Five Guys expansion skip Illinois?
You guys have Sonics AND Steak & Shakes. You're just being greedy.
Midwesterners are fat enough.
The state raw sewage treatment plants couldn't handle the stress of millions of greasy Five Guys dumps.
New York has pizza, Chicago has those crazy hot dogs, Philly has Cheesesteaks. It's about time DC got something of its own, even if you can call a local burger chain "something of its own".
eideteker -- What did you do for April Fools' day?
Got all excited about trying out Pizza Hut's new pasta dishes.
Created a rift in the space/time continuum by sending emails to 2002 Me.
During a stroll through Cleveland Park, I got mauled by a Loof Lirpa
Wiped the flopsweats off my brow after my less-awesome-than-I-anticpated "GOTCHA!" semi-prank email was ignored by most of my friends.
trappedinabay -- Honestly, vegans can:
fall to their knees and thank whatever cosmic being granted them the good fortune of being born in a 1st-World Country in which they can take the bottom half of Maslow's pyramid for granted and focus on the wellbeing of chickens.
get stricken with a fatal allergy to a common food to find out how much fun it is when you have to cut things out of your diet.
isolate themselves in a big commune where the only place to turn their sumg, indignant judgment is upon each other.
go to India, China, Sudan, or even someplace as close to home as rural West Virginia and explain with a straight face to some starving people that the presence of molars in their mouth is evolutionary proof they shouldn't be eating certain foods.
subbes -- Youtube sensations.
Nervous uncertainty of when and how hard to laugh at the unfunny thing your co-worker is showing you.
Confidence in knowing you'll never be given up or let down.
Impatient frustration replacing your cuteness enjoyment when the puppy movie lasts more than 27 seconds.
Baffled embarrassment at what other clips are recommended to you based on this viewing.
friendship7 -- What's the worst food poisioning + [common illness] you can think of?
Food Poisioning (the barfing kind) + a sinus infection.
Food Poisioning (the pooping kind) + a urinary tract infection.
Food Poisioning (the barfing kind) + a canker sore.
Food Poisioning (the pooping kind) + a pulled butt muscle.
renob423 -- why don't you lock your gym locker? do you use a firewall? is $1,425 and a day long hassel worth the 30 secoonds you save by not putting in a combination? do you think it was a regular who you see every day you work out? are you going to buy a lock?
I had a lock and I lost it. When I bought a new one it didn't fit in the locker and then I never got a new-new one to replace it and just got out of the habit. It was stupid and I've learned my lesson.
No. And with the new charges I discovered yesterday that hadn't been posted at the time I reported the cards stolen, the total is up to around $2,300.
I'm not sure, but considering the location of where the purchases were made, I doubt it.
No, I found the old lock I thought I lost and I've been using it since.
sublimal -- What are the pros and cons of a 'laugh track' on a television show (select all that apply)? Pros, cons, decide for yourselves:
Eliminates the need for closeups of the cast making those gag GWUUUUUUUUUUH? faces when something "funny" happens.
Makes influencable people think Jim Belushi is funny.
The fun of figuring out which shows purchased the same tracks as each other from the telltale guffaws.
Helps the audience figure out who the guest star for the night is, especially when that person is a nobody from some other show.
Sometimes the laugh is replaced with the whoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooh of scandalous outfits and onscreen kisses.
Helps us figure out some of the more craftily veiled sexual innuendos churned out by the sitcom writing staff.
The enlightening breakdown of the 4th wall when the actor pauses naturally to allow the laugh track to finish.
There's going to be a Bill & Ted remake. Most of you already know how I feel about remakes of classic 80's comedies, and this one will be no exception. "the screenwriter has gone out of his way to throw in a bunch of references to all the cool and hip stuff the youngin’s are into today (for instance, Bill & Ted are worried that they’re going to miss “The Dark Knight”)" and the band they're in is no longer the Wyld Stallions, but the Atomic Gorillas. What other tidy little shitpiles can we expect?
Ted sends a txt to his future self to remember a trash can.
The Personages of Historical Significance will represent modern theories and interpretations of their personas: Abe Lincoln will be gay, Billy the Kid will be a woman, and Sigmund Freud will be a rambling cocaine addict.
Because the idea of Ted's dad sending him to military school might cause the Berkeley types to get offended at the idea of a father forcing his son into anything involved with war, the threat now is that Ted will have to be homeschooled.
However they do it, and it will probably be more than once, "San Dimas High School Football Rules" will come out all wrong.