Tonight, at approximately 8pm, coldblackncold, my brother (referred to below as "Gamer", for those of you who do not know him), his wife, her brother and I will be heading up to Lower Gwynedd, Pennsylvania: a sleepy little burgh north of Philadelphia and the home of Kurt, Jennlynn, and the young Owen Niner. There are few reasons to go to Lower Gwynedd, Pennsylvania. The AGW is one of them. I can do little more justice to describing the weekend than Niner himself has in the rules sheet. The following are a few excerpts:
The AGW is a competitive event for Gamers only. Players will have their remaining childhood and college social skills tested to the limit with a day full of grueling contests and events. Wimps, panty sniffers, girly men and girly women are prohibited from participating. These may include but will not be limited to: All persons who think this idea is lame or stupid, think that Gamer has way to much time on his hands, own minivans (though there is a tiny bit of leeway here) or feel that we should all really grow up. Said persons will not be allowed to compete and will be expelled from the premises with as much force as Brian "Batman" Johnson may be deem necessary to use. Drinking beer is a REQUIREMENT on Saturday of the AWG. Exceptions will be given to those that are pregnant, have a signed Doctor's note, or have a pending drug test. Drinking beer while not engaged in official AGW contests is also encouraged and rewarded (See beer Points). All rules have been deemed fair for those born between 1967-1980. Complaints of "not having played this game in years" will not change the event schedule. Most people at some point have played all of the contests that make up the AGW during their lives. The skills and techniques required to play these games have been permanently engrained into everyone’s brain. Credit will be awarded for not only participating, but also for showing a level of proficiency over ones fellow competitors.
The AGW is not "just for fun". A detailed, complex and fair scoring system was developed and instituted with great success at the first AGW held four years ago at Rockingham Palace, in Arlington Virginia. ... Cheating is discouraged for we are all college graduates here and really should not have to cheat to win. Anyone who is found to be cheating will be served up the appropriate amount of abuse and will wear a sign for the remained of the evening that says, "I am a cheater and a bad one at that."
Participation: 100 points, 3rd place 200 points, 2nd place 300 points, 1st place 400 points.
The maximum number of points that can be obtained in any one event will be 500 points.
Points are accumulated for beers consumed outside of regular events. Since we have a Keg of beer and not cans everyone will be required to check with Jenlynn [Niner] or Keg Saunders upon completion of their beer and subsequent refill. This is to ensure that beers are being consumed and not dumped unceremoniously into the bushes, sink, or toilet. Anyone caught dumping beer without prior consent of The Keggah will be subject to forfeiture of all beer points. Beer points will be given as follows: Men 50 points per beer. Women 100 points per beer. Remember that JB won the first AGW by consuming a large quantity of beer and jumping from 5th to 1st. It was later determined that there was no way humanly possible for The Bird to consume what he said he consumed. It is widely believed that Breen Mahony began to randomly mark cans, which caused the wide discrepancy in JB’s beer totals. We hope that with Keg as arbiter, this does not occur.
If a judgment is required in a contest, the current participants are strongly encouraged to resolve the matters on their own. If this is not possible then judgment is deferred to the Honorable Jennifer [Niner] who is known to be both knowledgeable in the way of games and fair in judgment. If she or her husband are involved in the dispute in any way, then judgment over the issue will fall to Megan Spillane, who is also known to be knowledgeable and fair, but to a lesser extent, as well as being brutally honest and able to make a quick and final decision. (Please note: Batman Johnson was deemed by the committee to be no longer worthy of being a dispute judge as to his recent disappearance, his lack of ability to hold his liquor and for shady and shiftless behavior over the last several years.) In the event that Megan is involved with the Jenlynn in a dispute then judgment will be deferred to the nearest non participant with the exception of Matt Hill, Breen Mahony and Turkey Freer who shall never be used to resolve disputes.
Schedule of Events:
Friday May 2nd - 8:00 PM Arrival, Orientation and Pre Ceremonies.
Saturday May 3rd - The orientation will be replayed in its entirety at precisely 12 noon on Saturday, with board games kicking off the day at 12:30 PM. Reading of the rules, tour of the premises (make note of the bathrooms and designated regurgitation areas),
Board Games: Trivial Pursuit / Lord of the Rings Risk / Monopoly 12:30 – 2:30 PM
Warlords: 2:40 – 4:10 PM
Video Olympics 4:20 – 9:00 PM:
Dreamcast: Asteroids PS2: Ms.Pac Man,
Nintendo: Hogan’s Alley Atari: Space Invaders
Connect Four: 4:20 – 9:00 PM
Beirut Tournament: 4:20 – 9:00 PM
Caps: 4:20 – 9:00 PM
9:00 PM - Presentation of the Winners Prizes and verifications of Beer Consumption will take place at the conclusion of the Caps and Beirut Tournaments. Any beers not finished at this time do not count towards ones Beer Point Total.
World Series of Poker Exhibition: 9:30 pm- 11:PM
Sunday May 4th Closing Ceremonies and Risk Exhibition
And I'm expected to concentrate on work today.