coldblackncold -- It is my birthday today. What awesome things should I expect for 29?
Dollars? A CD, a pizza, and maybe a pack of smokes. Pesos? You're on your own.
One more year of being in your twenties.
Throughout the year, you will find yourself receiving all of the gifts you asked for as a child but never got, including, but not limited to: The Ewok Village Playset, a cassette walkman, and a pet hamster.
An entire year of surprisingly accurate daily horoscopes.
eideteker -- Hey, daddy-o. Dig the gams on that swell dame. She sure is cherry. Too bad she's such a square broad. It'd be nifty if she were groovier, instead of such a drag.
Whoawhoawhoa. Even tragically overlooked slang needs to be used sparingly. Take it easy.
Radical, dude. Totally radical.
Every week it's a new low. I'm almost impressed at how you can not only make me regret a single question, but the entire Friday Poll format.
Your question for next week better include the following words: lottery, shiny, dumptruck, monkey, viscous, plug, puppy, sack, and coupon.
petdance -- Can YOU wag your tail like an arctic fox?
Naw, but I'll give you some shake with those fries.
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Arctic, Schmartic. I wag my tail like the American Fox I am.
htothem -- What truly is crazy delicious?
Mej's Own® Macaroni & Cheese
pantload -- My one year old daughter likes me to read the same simple, dopey childrens book over and over every night. Try to draw a parallel with 'American Idol' fans.
If William Hung can earn his 15 minutes on American Idol, why hasn't he conquered the children's book world?
Like your daughter, American Idol fans don't really understand the words that are being spoken, they simply enjoy voices talking at them in soothing, rhyming tones.
Your daughter and American Idol fans also both enjoy randomly pounding buttons on the telephone.
absolutcalm -- Kurt Cobain died for my sins. Who died for yours?
'Grandpa' Al Lewis
Some Joe you never heard of. Why's it always gotta be somebody famous?
veejay -- who are you people? where are my shoes?
And what have you done with my keys?
My kidneys better be right where I left them.
I'm gonna bring all of my shoes and my glasses with me. So I have them.
We were afraid of what you might do with the laces if we left you with your shoes. It's better this way.
knorg -- Why is there always an awkward silence when I talk about bestial necrophilia in british politics?
The British are a reserved bunch. You shuld use clever euphemisms, such as "Beating a Dead Horse" or "Wagging the Dog".
Americans truly never will understand British Politics.
While Americans pronounce the word like "Bee-stee-ull", the British say "Best-chull". It sounds funny to them when you say it "wrong".
Because treating allegations like facts is rude, no matter what the topic.
friendship7 -- There's been a can of spinach that has managed to make it to every new place I've lived since 1997. I'm getting tired of it, what should I do with this old friend to send him off?
Two words: Potato. Gun.
Do what the rest of us do when we have a can of food we've owned for nine years: donate it to whatever food drive will save you a dollar on admission to some event.
Squeeze the can in such a way that the spinach jumps straight into your mouth. Then punch somebody.
Remove the labels from this and all other cans in your pantry. Every meal is a gamble!
twicketface -- Why isn't SNL funnier?
Horatio Sanz is alive.
Phil Hartman is dead.
Rather than expecting guest hosts to act, they write sketches in which the guest host simply has to be themselves.
You're not 16 anymore.
observacious -- Fat Tuesday, Fat Albert, or Baby Phat?
Fat Albert in a glitter baby-tee at Mardi Gras.
calamine_tea -- Why can't chinese restaurants down south make decent egg rolls??
If the shit that passes for "pizza" sells in the south, why would the egg rolls be any good?
Why bother? Southerners only comprehend the food they created (i.e., biscuits, "Chicken Fried" things, banana pudding). Anything that comes from somewhere other than the former Confederacy is a mystery to them.
The heat and humidity make the usual wrappings mushy, so they have to go with a weird sort of cardboardy stuff that they always end up with too much of so the proportion of roll to stuff is all wrong.
For some reason, Chinese food isn't enough for the restaurants in the south. They have to be Chinese/Burger/Chicken/Sub places. It's the diversification that kills them.
clockwatcher -- Check on the gams on that dame!
That's some tasty sweatermeat she's got too!
Wait, what does 'gams' mean again?
Those stems are giving me the vapors.
Must be from all the hoofin' and ballin'.
renob423 -- why do the olympics suck so much?
All the ridiculous hype saturating every media outlet.
Bullshit qualitative pseudosports. Can anyone really "win" Ice Dancing?
Nobody gives a shit who wins the Croatia vs. Brazil handball finals.
Anything that features grown men shedding tears while wearing lycra.
funboytim -- What's the worst TV program to have lasted more than just a season or two?
All in the Family
It's Oscar weekend, and the buzz is blazing! This year, most of the chosen films seem to have some GLBT theme. What's next year's Topic du Oscar gonna be?
Thinly-veiled metaphoric morality plays about the Korean War.
Subtitled foreign films that without the snobbery of their foreignness, nobody would have given 2 shits about them, but if you say you don't like them, people think you're an idiot who won't "read movies".
Retards! Retards!! Retards!!!
If the 2002 Oscars were the "Blackout"...get ready for 2007's Yellow Fever!