observacious -- I just found out that I'm getting an intern. What should I have him do first?
Produce an excel spreadsheet outlining each of the coffee shops within a four-block radius and whether they have wooden or plastic stirrers, Sweet 'n' Lo, Equal, Splenda, or all three. Add a column for extras such as Vanilla-flavored powder.
Search through the department's files and remove any diagonal or vertical staples and replace with the proper horizontal placement.
Send him to a passport photo joint and have him make a new ID tag for himself that reflects his new name: "Boy".
[INSERT CLINTON JOKE HERE.]
coldblackncold -- What classic television theme song is in my head right now? (Megan, I imagine you can guess two of the likely songs right away, but will you get the third?) He told me what they are so I'm only going with one, leaving it to you guys to figure out which one that was.
The Price is Right.
eideteker -- Does all your weekly hatred for me really imply a deep, underlying, and abiding love?
I only bust on the ones I love. People I hate aren't worth my time.
Jesus, we wanted a question, not the wahmbulance.
Love hate; hate love. Like mother, no?
Great. Now it's awkward.
ao -- RE: Star Wars - Why does it matter if Han shot first? I vowed I would answer this one in essay form, but I know damn well that's not happening anytime soon.
with the alteration of less than two seconds of footage, Lucas took a metaphorical dump on everyone who got him where he is.
American film has always glorified the Outlaw Hero: the rugged, reluctant dogooder who may come to the aid of society but never fully joins it. His "bad boy" persona is integral to the trope: a law-abiding Outlaw Hero is neither outlaw nor hero.
Are we supposed to believe that Greedo, a bounty hunter who has been in the business longer than a few hours, can point a blaster three feet from a man's chest and scorch the wall six inches over his shoulder?
Han Solo was the first archetypal male for a more than one generation of Americans. He sparked either a lust for or a lust to be him. Altering him in any way rattles our collective unconscious.
Han Solo is a rogue and a scoundrel. He shoots first.
You don't mess with the classics, Lucas you pudsucking douche. Draw a fucking mustache on the Mona Lisa while you're at it.
htothem -- What should I ask for QOD?
What is the best music video of all time?
Make up an anogram for a daily annoyance in your life, such as: DKSSEotD, Delete Kevin's Stupid Suckup Email of the Day.
If you could grab any loudmouth blowhard idiot celebrity, shake them by the shoulders and tell them their bullshit cause is bullshit and they need to shut the fuck up, who would it be and what would you say?
If everybody [INSERT MUNDANE TASK HERE]ed every day, the world would be a better place.
anonymous1327 -- Why can't I get no damn Tang round here?
You just gotta throw the vibe out there.
Powdered beverages are so passe.
It's a crime. Growing boys need Tang.
friendship7 -- Am I alone in my disdain for people who vote/interact with television shows?
Um, without people who called in their votes, how would we know who the next American Idol is?
If they're calling in to share their opinion with the television, your disdain is probably the only thing they've got going for them.
It's not their fault. It's a telling aspect of our society in which we've bred people who not only think each of their passing whims matters, but that they care enough about others' to tune in.
America voted, and it turns out you're alone in this one.
newmomma090806 -- What's the best backyard accessory?
An Ool. Notice there is no P in it.
Seriously, the answer is "Pool".
Lawn Darts, i.e. something less awesome or fun than a pool.
clockwatcher -- Why haven't scientists invented a way to get rid of humidity yet?
Every one that tried died of thirst. Weird.
If humans lived in a humidity-free Utopia, nothing would ever get accomplished.
The Arizona Real Estate Agents' Association bought them off. If there were no humdity anywhere, why would anyone ever move there?
Homemade baked goods would never be the same.
renob423 -- which was the best friday the 13th movie (including jason X, jason goes to hell, and freddy vs jason) and why? Two weeks in a row with question topics not found in my subcultural rolodex. Thank you fridaythe13thfilms.com for the help.
Friday the 13th.
Friday the 13th, Part 2: The Cash Cow.
Friday the 13th, Part 3: Cheezy 80's Gimmick.
Friday the 13th: The Ironically Misnamed Final Chapter.
Friday the 13th, Part V: The Cinematic Equivalent of a New Baby on a Sitcom.
Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives: Cousin Oliver Isn't Working Out So Well.
Friday the 13th, Part VII: Bring In A Chick, It Worked For Karate Kid, Didn't It?
Friday the 13th, Part VIII: A Muppet Ripoff? Come on, guys.
Jason Goes to Hell: The Steel Wheels Tour.
Jason X: Vertically Integrating X-treme Slasher Flicks for the New Millennium.
Freddy Vs. Jason: Starring Abby Morgan. Hell yeah.
soarjubs -- Within five square miles of enclosed wilderness, the ladybitches from "The View" are released with a 24 hour head start on an angry Predator (equipped as in the first movie). Who survives? While the correct answer is the Predator, I'll play along.
The henpecking yenta. No weapon is a match for droning, nasaly immasculation.
Star Jones. Allegedly.
The young blonde one. Even the Predator doesn't give a shit about her.
Barbara Walters. All the warm blood seeped out of her body years ago.
calamine_tea -- What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?
Step over my own dead mother.
Cut off my left tit/nut.
Suck a man's dick.
Pay about 97 cents.
Growing up, did your home contain a ping pong table?
Did more than one of your friends' homes contain a ping pong table?
What was the deal with that? Why were there so many ping pong tables in suburbia during the early-mid 80's?
Pre-home electronic entertainment, people would do anything.
They were worried a pool table would be too "fun" or "cool".
Somebody in the 70's thought it would be a good idea. Unlike bad clothes, ping pong tables are a little harder to get rid of.
Our parents had to do something when they gave up pot.