soarjubs -- I got a huge delivery of meat here for yas. Where do ya wants me ta put it?
Yeah, I think you know where you should put it.
How many times do I have to tell you? Meat deliveries go in through the back door.
Oh, no need. It's going straight in my mouth. You know how I love choking down meat!
Is this what you were talking about with the knobby scepter?
popespydie -- How come Peter PumpkinEater didn't get arrested for false imprisonment? Or Do you think CPS ever went to the Old Lady in the Shoe's place?
Zoning restrictions for local wells reviewed after couple falls, man suffers concussion.
Dog found starved to death in Hubbard home, PETA warns of dangers to pets living with the elderly.
Royal dessert tainted, bakery has history of avian health code violations.
Study: Genetic makeup of boys and girls found to contain varying levels of sugar, snails.
subbes -- Why am I being so antisocial?
You're not being antisocial. Your friends stopped liking you.
Eeh, it's hot outside.
Antisocial is the new hipster thing. Going out to bars and stuff is so mainstream.
I would stay at home too if I was farting as much as you have been lately. Jesus.
eideteker -- Own up. soarjubs is just a facet of your own twisted personality, like the little kid in that movie "Identity". Isn't he?
Spoiler tags please.
He is. That's why I always win at D&D.
You're just sour because he called you out on your sucky question last week.
It makes me feel good when lots of people answer the poll, so I have made up a bunch of personalities to boost numbers. Why do you think renob423
's questions suck so much? I can't write good questions for each personality every week.
renob423 -- do you eat peanutbutter on bread or just take a spoon to the jar?
Straight out of the jar.
Depends if I'm making a sandwich or just feel like a spoonful of peanut butter.
Seriously, how did you expect anyone to make something funny out of this question?
bobwhite -- How quickly would you stop being friends with somebody if you found out they were using Secondlife?
I don't think you'd have to worry about it. Anyone who's on Second Life didn't have friends in the first place.
Sure The Sims is great, but how do I masturbate to it?
Why did Furries and all that other lamo semisexual crap all start in the last 10 years or so? Or does it just seem like it because of bullshit like Second Life? Did people ever fuck all dressed up like Huckleberry Hound and Grape Ape?
I used to think MySpace was for children and illiterates, but somehow that caught on. Most people are more easily amused than we are. The good news is you're probably not friends with those people.
absolutcalm -- Are there any celebrities who deserve jail time more than Paris Hilton?
Steve Martin, on two counts of Cheaper By The Dozen.
Whitney Houston, for robbing us all of more episodes of Being Bobby Brown.
Tara Reid, because she'll never be perfect again.
observacious -- In Brides magazine there are many ads for wedding-related items; there is also an ad for Pall Malls. What slogans could Pall Mall use to tie their product in with the rest of the magazine? No there will not be a 'Till Death Do Us Part joke here.
Something Old...Something New...Your grandmother loved the smooth flavor of Pall Mall at her wedding. Honor tradition with a classic.
Pall Mall Light 100's. They're not the only thin ones in white!
Now with less tar!
Uncle Tim won't sit anywhere near his brother. Your sister wants her date to be at the head table even though you don't know the guy's last name. Grandma's in a wheelchair. You know you're going to smoke your way through this. Pall Mall.
From Evan: Fireworks. Tons of Fun or Waste of Money?
No matter how frequently I'm on planes, I must compulsively flip through SkyMall. Which of these totally absurd never-would-buy things do you really kind of want?
Also, wtf is this.
"Call Owner" Button I'm sure you think your dog is smart, but he can't read or press buttons. And let's be honest, it's not like he's sitting in a cubicle wishing he were home with you.
Horse Bridle Attachment available ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. I get it.
If this thing works like the GPS in my car, the dog is going to be trying to make U-turns (if possible) every 200 feet.
Clearly, the only real use of this thing is to convince the neighborhood children that you have a talking dog.