subbes -- Next item my cats will kill and triumphantly present to me by placing on the bed
Cat A brings a Palmetto Bug, Cat B answers with a cricket. Cat A ups the ante to a bird, Cat B ripostes with a rat. The competition will be an ongoing battle, ala Spy vs. Spy until you find one cat sitting triumphantly over the corpse of the other.
Good god I hope it's not your boyfriend.
The head of your douchebag neighbor who insists on parking in the spot directly in front of your place.
That weird oval thing with one red eye and the long grey tail by the computer that they see you batting back and forth for hours on end.
twicketface -- Why does my boss tell me the same unfunny stories over and over and over again?
He doesn't remember which unfunny stories he told you and which unfunny stories he told his other facelessly interchangable minions.
Since you didn't fall out of your cube laughing the last time he told it to you, he assumes you didn't get it. He's probably telling his wife about this stupid asshole in HR who just doesn't get a joke no matter how many times you tell it.
These are his greatest stories, his proudest moments, his A material. Think of the awesome stories you tell over and over and take pity on the guy that this is the best he's got.
They're actually different stories, but because they are all as banal and humorless as the one before them, you've stopped listening to the nuanced differences.
eideteker -- Did they tell you why, Marco? Why they want to terminate my command?
You would prefer another target, a military target?
If you keep this up for much longer, you're going to find yourself the subject of a best/worst list like renob423
's from last week.
It took me two weeks of this to figure out you were making a refrence, and you didn't even pick the "right" answer once I did.
If this is supposed to be a line-by-line weekly challenge, switch it over to Ghosbusters or something and we've got ourselves a theme.
renob423 -- ricky gervais as david brent or steve carell as michael scott?
Ricky Gervais as David Brent.
Steve Carrell as Michael Scott.
Carrell made a wise choice in creating his own character rather than trying to do a Gervais impersonation. The two characters are different enough that they are incomprable, and fantastic in their own way.
American Office vs. UK Office:
UK Purist: I was a fan of the UK Office long before the American Office and I refuse to buy in to this bastardization.
American Convert: I heard the UK Office was funny, but never got BBC America or the DVDs but I've watched the American Office since it came on TV and I love it.
I like them both. The American Office is not a remake of the UK office in as much as it is an homage, taking premises from the UK Office and from them carved a great show that can now stand alone. See above, re: Carrell vs. Gervais.
coldblackncold -- Pouring the bowl of cereal and cold-hearted realty revealing there is no milk in the fridge. Eating that one bowl anyway. Lazy, resourceful, lazy-resourceful, or homeless?
Lazy. Sure it would be better with milk, but fuck if you're going to put shoes on to go get some. And dinner is halfway made. Like you're going go through the trouble to pour the cereal back in the box and cook something else now.
Resourceful. People eat cereal with skim milk all the time and that's just a few shades away from water. Mix a little Coffee Mate in there and presto! That's American Ingenuity for you.
Lazy-resourceful. Yeah it water would be more milklike if I added something to it, but feh. Just another thing to take out of the cabinet, open, pour, mix and put back.
Homeless. Well not really, since in what cupboard was the cereal and where was the fridge. Call it "college" or "single" or "hung over", but there's too much property assumed in this scenario to say "homeless".
absolutcalm -- Now that the seventh and last Harry Potter is finished, what will be the ending of the inevitable porno version, Harry Porker and the Dirty Hookers?
He fixes the cable?
Just what the fans have been waiting seven movies for: Harry, Rod and Hymenone in a Wobbly H.
In the Queefitch Cup finals, Harry chases down the Golden Snatch, stuffing the big score in Dicko and Luscious Muffboy's faces.
After slaving away for years in the dungeons of Asskabang, Harry rises, waves his throbbing wand and with a Globulous Projectos releases the spell that finally outshoots Vulvamort.
Srape kills Diddlemore.
friendship7 -- Why don't I have a pony?
Because of the way you treated everything else we've ever bought you. You know why we can't have nice things.
You had a pony. Her name was Princess. You loved her.
Your parents don't love you.
Have you actually considered the costs associated with horse ownership? Sure it's a small horse, but you've got to feed it, brush it, all that shit. It's not like you can just chain it to a bike rack during the day and let it fend for itself.
From Evan: Which of the following songs has been best re-lyricized by the dorks? For those of you who don't know, Evan, soarjubs and other dorky nerds have a habit of taking songs and changing the lyrics of them, usually to things more offensive than FM would allow. These, imho, are the best three:
"Don't Stop 'till I Bust A Nut" to Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop 'till You Get Enough": a-c'mon, gimme blowjob now. Don't stop 'till I bust a nut. Oh c'mon, gimme blowjob now. Don't stop 'till I bust a nut...
"Chinese Mustache Ride" to Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride": We don't just serve shrimp fried rice, why don't you come with me, little girl, for a Chinese mustache ride...
"Black Woman" to the Doobie Brothers' "Black Water": Old black woman, big vagina. Old black woman's got a big vagina for me. Old black woman, big vagina. Old black woman's got a big vagina for me...
Oh noes, Lindsay Lohan and something about blow and a DUI or whatever.
Poor girl. She's just crying for help. Nothing cures the sniffles like Columbian sneezing powder.
Seriously, doesn't she have enough money to hire a driver? Hire a fucking driver already. You're rich, you don't have to do anything for yourself. You wouldn't cook for yourself or clean for yourself, why would you drive for yourself?
Do all the drugs you want, Linds, you've earned it. Just stop trying to make us feel sorry for you about it. You'd be much better off if you owned your drug use, like Kate Moss and Pete Doherty.
DUIs are so June.