absolutcalm -- What's the most embarassing item to be caught masturbating to by your mother?
A copy of Redbook you found lying on the coffee table.
The Kohls/Target/JC Penney/etc. Sunday circular.
A photo of someone she knows.
htothem -- How should we punish people who refuse to adopt the most basic time saving technology (e.g., check cards, online bill pay, etc.)?
Charge extra to cover the processing time, staff, paper, ink, and other costs to the biller for the customer's refusal to pay their bill immediately with no human interaction or material waste.
When someone uses a check at the grocery store, require the cashier to turn on the siren light, and call for the manager, who will then take the violator to the customer service desk to properly validate their ID.
Immediate arrest and towing of anyone trying to merge from the EZPass lane to the cash lane more than 100 yards from the toll; require toll booth attendants to tell them a 3 minute story to accentuate the apparent disregard for the value of time.
Old farts who don't use the Ctl+ shortcuts will have their computer privileges revoked and come in Monday morning to find a Brother Word Processor on their desk.
observacious -- Comeback film projects for Emilio Estevez:
I dunno about you, but I'm sure Emilio crosses his fingers every day hoping Tarantino needs a former star to gain weight and dance in his next hip film.
With all of his Mighty Ducks experience, he's the clear choice for a Slap Shot
remake. With Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, and Bam Margera as the Hanson Brothers.
How about a witty romp about a father who gets in over his head with his family about something and falls down a lot and his dog gives the "don't ask me" look but it turns out ok as shown by him and his kids dancing and lip-synching to a 70's song.
West Wing: The Gubernatorial Years Take the West Wing empire, the Sheenstevez good looks, and the 80's nostalgia already wrapped up in Emilio, and you've got yourself a film.
subbes -- where do y'all get your awesome question ideas
Spending an inordinate amount of time contemplating the consequences and complexities of popular culture.
Putting a Seinfeldian perspective on the banality of daily existence, then expanding the premise.
Thankfully, other human beings irritate me to such astonishing degrees on such a regular basis that a wealth of questions about their eventual downfall come up all the time.
I dunno, whatever comes cruising through my mind. Shit about Uncle Lucky or how many pumpkins there are. I don't even think about it, really.
petdance -- Tomorrow is my niece's wedding. My 5-year-old daughter is a flower girl. What will happen?
Your niece will probably wear a white dress, and all her friends will wear the same dress but it will be ok. Then your daughter will throw flowers on the floor and everyone else is gonna get dressed up and watch and go eat food afterwards.
It's going to be the stuff of America's Funniest Home Videos: she'll either dump all the flowers out at once, pull up her dress to cover her face because she's got stage fright, or try to stand up with the bride during the ceremony.
That morning, your niece is going to tell you there's been a restructuring, and your daughter doesn't quite fit into the vision anymore, but she's sure she'll have great luck finding flowergirl slots at other weddings.
Jealous that her eligible three-to-seven year-old daughter was snubbed for the flowergirl gig, the groom's cousin will punch your wife square in the face for being so cocky and rubbing it in with all the "isn't my daughter cute" crap.
renob423 -- which of these was the least "lame" slumber party massacre, sleepaway camp, bloody birthday, or the driller killer
What the fuck is a driller killer?
They're all pretty much the same premise, so what does it really matter?.
To try and figure out which one is somehow less lame than the rest would take some sort of trigonometric equation.
How about "chicks get killed by a psycho someplace where chicks are known to be in groups of 5 or more in various states of undress".
renob423 -- why does edieteker only ask 1 question
Because even eideteker
knows that just because you have the room for three questions, you don't always have three questions worth the room.
renob423 -- why did nobody like the "how many pumpkins are there" question a few months back?
Because it sucked.
Because if it had some subcultural relevance, it was too obscure to be recognized, which is the suckiest kind of reference.
Because it was lazy.
Maybe I could have gone with something like "as many pumpkins as there are Mexicans sitting around at the Home Depot every morning", but I can't imagine how else to funny that up.
All of the above.
eideteker -- Why not?
Yours haven't been sucking quite as masterfully as they used to.
As hard as your questions have ever sucked, his questions suck even harder.
Sometimes the wealth of mockery needs to be spread around.
You didn't seem to be lapping it up the way he does.
coldblackncold -- WWOJD?
Take a gift horse and stare him right down the throat.
Bet the house (again) on his football/Naked Gun cred.
Make sure his offshore accounts are airtight.
It's not what OJ would do, it's how he would do it. That is, if he did it, which he's not saying he did, but he knows how he could.
More traveling grievances: If you could only slap one of these people on the plane, which one would you pick?
The person sitting in a window seat in row 23 of the plane who gets up as soon as you get to the gate and thinks they're going to squeeze their way off the plane first.
The person who waits until the last minute to board then gets mad there isn't any overhead room left and doesn't think they should have to put their shit in the back because that will mean they have to wait until everybody else deplanes to get it.
If you could only slap one of these people on the security line, which one would you pick?
The person who buys a $5 Starbucks before they get to the security line and then doesn't understand why the TSA guy doesn't care that they'll be wasting their $5 if they throw it away now.
The person who completely forgets about taking their change/wallet/cell/watch off until right before they're supposed to walk through the metal detector.
Can you really tell the difference between one brand of bottled water and another?
They're all the same to me. Whichever is cheapest or most convenient is the one I'll buy.
There are one or two brands I know that taste funny, but for the most part, all are fine.
I have a distinct favorite and could tell it from any other water brand in a blind taste-test.
I pick the one with the prettiest bottle.