absolutcalm -- If Last Comic Standing were actually Battle Royale and starred washed-up ex-SNL Alumni, who would be LAST COMIC BREATHING? It certainly wouldn't be Horatio Sanz. That humorless hack can barely breathe as it is.
Dana Carvey. Sitting atop his pile of Wanye's World money hooting "Turtle! Turtle!" and other lame attempts at catch phrases from his later movies, he waits patiently for the hoarde of drug addicts, fatties and other failures to kill each other.
Kevin Nealon. Ever the straight man not gay, he shrugs off challenges from contenders pussies with the same solid, uncracking professionalism Jimmy Fallon he perfected on the show.
Joe Piscopo. Of all the weakling clowns to show up for the show, he's the only one who's ever thrown a punch before. With some Sinatra-style bravado, he belts out the chin music with an old man bull strength that speaks to years of pent up rage.
Victoria Jackson. Using her signature screeching whine, she keeps the alums at least 7 feet away from her. Should anyone make it close, she'll whip out the "I'm not as sort of hot as I was when I was young but I'm just as stupid" maneuver.
rskipwo -- Why do I hate Ed Hardy shirts so much?
The kind of dipshit who'd spend $150 on a t-shirt must constantly demonstrate how they have no idea what to do with money, are proud of their unwise choices, and expect to garner jealousy from anyone too smart to waste their money that way.
The kind of poser who'd spend $150 on a t-shirt with the same pictures as dirt-poor punks have been screenprinting on shirts for decades actually believes that having some guy's signature awkwardly splayed across the collarbone makes it cooler.
Because you must be exposed to all of these asswipes on a regular enough basis to know what an Ed Hardy shirt is.
observacious -- If POTUS gets socks as a part of an inaugural gift basket ("Hi! Thanks for running the country. Try not to fuck it up. Have some socks!"), what else is in the basket?
An iPod Nano, some DKNY Jeans, a cupcake coozy, a babydoll t-shirt with some cause ribbon on it, a fabulous assortment of olive oils from Malta, a blingeriffic Blackberry holster, and 4 year supply of Vitamin Water.
A cozy U.S. Senate u-shaped neck pillow and sleepy mask, a set of water dumbbells from the Dept. of Health, one of those berets with dreadlocks sewn in from the Secret Service, and a handsome leather shaving and grooming kit courtesy of CSPAN.
One of each hilariously witty t-shirt available for sale at the street vendors a few blocks from his new home, including but not limited to: a "You Don't Know Me" FBI shirt and the "Witness Protection Program" CIA shirt.
A Metro SmartPass card, a DC taxi zones map, and a coupon for $20 his next wheel balance at Midas, all to point out the delicious irony of how DC's most famous resident is exempt from the most enraging aspects of living here.
This right here is what disappoints me about so many Bush jokes. There's so much to make fun of in that one little picture, it offends every comic nerve in my body that all people can seem to poke at is how his ears stick out. It wasn't even all that funny in 1999, folks. What's most forehead-slappingly embarassing aspect of the photo linked above?
He's wearing crocs. With socks. Black ones. With what is essentially his company's logo on them.
He probably absorbed the idea somewhere that those Gator shoes were all the rage with the kids and asked a staffer to pick him up a pair. And why wouldn't he wear socks with them? They're shoes, right? Shoes. go with socks.
He probably saw those socks in the White House gift shop and they caught his eye. Much to his delight, they let him have them for free.
They probably give those socks out on AF1 to wear so you can take your shoes off on long flights, and he got such a kick out of them he wears them all the time now.
htothem -- If the Texas Agricultural Research Database is named TARD, what other great acronyms are out there?
Central Library Information Terminal.
Fraternal Association of Recreational Trapshooters.
South Carolina Regional Ophthalmology Trade Expo.
Building Upon Love and Loyalty: Dayton's Youth Knowledge Experiment.
renob423 -- don't you people know who pumpkin is? did you know kim gordon is a GIRL? why would one take a nap before going to the store? where'd my pizza go?
Wasn't there some movie with Christina Ricci about a retard named Pumpkin? Is that what you're going on and on about?
Shopping is tiring, and like food shopping while hungry, shopping tired can lead you to make irrational decisions. Driving tired is bad too. You should definitely take a nap if you're tired before you go shopping if you have to drive.
It left the store, got shoved into the back of some brown person's car, and toured around the general area for a while, including a trip to 7-11 for smokes, before the driver realized his tip window was closing and brought it to your house.
eideteker -- Now that this LJ thing has been around for the better part of a decade, what are some great moments in livejournalling history both a) real and b) imagined?
The day the abuse team had to disband because everybody decided to take responsibility for their feelings and behaviors, realize there are plenty of places to go on the internet if they don't like this one, and live the "Sticks and Stones" mantra.
The long-awaited debut of the new feature that allowed you to search through your old entries by keyword, making the laborious sludges through old entries a thing of the past.
The time when debate
wasn't just a pit of whiny, uninformed flame-trolls misusing terms like "straw-man" and calling to their Friends List for backup any time they started losing an argument.
chrishaas -- Happy birthday?
Dude, my birthday was SO last Sunday.
Woke up at 11 with a milder hangover than I deserved (thanks to a 2am trigger pull), went for the AYCE Crab Legs & Eggs brunch at Whitlows, lounged around watching movies, received gifts, beat Evan at Hexic and went to bed. It was a great birthday.
HappyHappyBirthday on this my special day HappyHappyBirthday is what we're here to say HEY HappyHappyBirthday may all your dreams come truuuuuuuue HappyHappyBirthday from Bennigans to you HEY!
coldblackncold -- Video A or Video B or Video C?
Video A: My girl gotta girlfriend|It really is not a problem|Cuz ima make it do what it do|Cuz havin 2 chicks is better than no chicks|I'd rather just join in|Keep my girl and keep the other one too
Video B: So Homie Don't Bring Your Girl To Meet Me Cuz (I'm A Flirt)|And Baby Don't Bring Your Girlfriend To Eat Cuz...|Please Believe It, Unless Your Game Is Tight And U Trust Her|Then Don't Bring Her Around Me Cuz ...
Video C: Such a bad girl|Loves to work me over time|Feels good (ha)|Dancin' close to the borderline|She's a magic mountain|She's a leather glove (oh)|She's my soul|It must be love
From Evan: Taking time off from work to play Halo 3: Lame?
Not lame. I can't think of a better way to spend a vacation day or three.
The other week, we chose between the promising new Sci-Fi-Lite dramas premiering this season. Today, let's take a forced look at what we would much rather shield our eyes from: the new "comedies". Which one of these steaming piles of shit is going to get cancelled first?
: Ya know those goddawful Geico commercials that seem like they're draining years from your life even though they're only 30 seconds long? How about a half-hour?
: As if you didn't waste enough time today commuting.
: It's wacky! It's irreverent! It's like Herman's Head and Alf and Sabrina the Teenage Witch all rolled into one hip slacker romp! Kevin Smith's involved? Eh? Eh?