All my life, I have had a nemesis. It changes from time to time, starting with that enormous bitch who practically strangled me to death in the girls bathroom in second grade, to the High School Class President who I hated because he was such a plastic backstabbing twofaced fake asswipe and I could see this but everybody else thought he was such a swell guy they kissed his ass all the time.
This list does not particularly reflect well upon me, as my reasons are vindictive and spiteful. However, my latest and probably greatest nemesis is John Basedow. If you have cable, you probably know who I’m talking about. If you don’t, your life remains pure. I am envious.
John Basedow is a renowned fitness model who, out of his own home and with his cheapass Handycam, has made a workout video and hocks it on cable. Fitness Made Simple has won the highest rating that some muscle magazine will give out, and with the help of his AM and PM workouts, you can tone your back, shoulders, biceps, triceps, and even abs. Basedow and his circa 1986 butt-cut hairdo can be found on one or more cable channels at any time of day. Trust me, I have nothing against fitness. I have a whole lot against John Basedow.
I would like to watch television for one day without having to see him or his $1.50 budgeted commercials, particularly the “Fall Into Fitness” commercial that’s been running since January that features someone dropping some leaves in front of a gray sheet. I do not want to see close-ups of his veiny arms. I do not want to see his butt-cut and his Ray Bans posing on a beach. Like a poltergeist, he makes me afraid to turn on my television. He robs me of one of the joys of my life.
And for that, I hate you, John Basedow.