5:10am - The way to avoid random airport searches and security checks is to behave like a bumbling fool. Trip: Search-free.
8:20am – Slept the whole way to Detroit. Managed to score window seat with empty middle seat between me and aisle guy. Detroit has got some nice airport. Tried to a bagel, they had no butter. Left w/out purchasing. Found 2nd bagel place. They have butter, but when I asked the lesbian working there, the tongue-pierced black guy behind her who winked at me earlier said they can’t give out plastic kniv3s in the airport and asked me where I’ve been these past few months. “Under a rock, apparently”, I joked back and waited for my knife. Lesbian says she can cut it for me and give me a spoon, and I realized they weren’t kidding.
9:20am – When boarded the 2nd flight, I got the window next to young blonde who asked if I’d switch with her husband on the inner row aisle. I agreed, then hesitated, saying I wanted to see the island when landing. The whole 5-seat mid row stayed open so their whole group moved into it, which bummed out the blonde who lost an aisle seat to a 2nd mid seat in a big row, leaving me in my own 2-seat row for a 10-hour flight. MEGA SCORE>
9:25am – If a stewardess is too short to close the top compartments, is she unsuitable for her job?
9:40am – The diagram of the cabin and emergency doors looks like those old drawings of slave ships.
9:42am – Bad side of super-awesome seat: man in front of me has a big brown, purple and red scab in his bald head.
9:43am – Should load camera for landing shots…wait, I have 10 hours to do that. Someone told me the other day that he could never fly to Hawaii because he could not go as long as the plane ride without a smoke. Pathetic. Why do I feel hung over? I’m tired and groggy, okay, but my chest feels like I smoked 30 cigarettes last night.
10:05am – Took pics of coast of Lake Michigan thru window with big goddamn engine in frame. Those should be 3 dumb pictures.
11:05 – I think the drink stewardess likes me. She keeps leaving me with the whole can.
11:30 – Flying over Fargo, yah?
11:35 I just peed on Minnesota.
11:50 – Dropped ice cube, rolled across empty seat. Unuseable, but not sure what to do. Dropped on floor in place I can see but stewardess cannot. Will monitor melting progress. 8 hours left. I sit at work this long every day and I can take naps here. This will be cake.
12:00pm – Just got a plastic knife with lunch. I was being fucked with earlier.
12:25pm – I love me some Elton John.
12:27pm – Luke Wilson sure could pass for Dennis Hopper’s son.
1:45pm – Just peed on Canada, eh? Esperanto is not the International Language. Bathroom-People Picture Language is. How else could you get across the phrase, “Ladies, in case of unforeseen feminine emergency, complimentary sanitary napkins can be found in this compartment” for the world to understand?
1:46pm – Ice cube melted. Proper measurements not taken. Tests inconclusive. Or it rolled somewhere.
3:05pm – I’ll say it again, having both of these seats rules. I stretch out comfortably nestled between 2 pillows living it up, knowing I won’t have it this good coming home.
3:10pm – Scabhead is laughing out loud. His wife is asleep. I’d guess he’s laughing at the movie, but they’re showing Last Castle the Robert Redford/Tony Soprano movie that is about war or prison or both.
3:15pm – He’s laughing at the movie, alright. I haven’t been watching it so I don’t know if it’s laughably awful or not. Let’s just hope Scabhead doesn’t think we’re flying to the Pacific for the same reasons they did in his day.
3:32pm - It seems I have been too harsh on Scabby. He seems more and more like a fun bitter old curmudgeon by the minute.
5:55pm – Just when I was about to complain that a 10-hour flight warrants 2 movies, A.I. starts. It has eaten 2 ½ hours so far. There were some pretty damn cool scenes, but as it’s been said, Spielberg’s influence was clear. For the past 45-minutes, my cynical mind has been screaming, “CRAP! Oh…no. NO. NO. NO.”, but my sleep-deprived body has been crying since. Dammit I’m hungry. Where’s that “light snack” they talked about?
6:08pm – They’re distributing the snack and the “plant and animal quarantine form”. Hmm…
1:20pm Hawaii time – If my mom was on the plane, she’d have made use of her bag just now.
That’s where my documentation for the day ended. I fell asleep for the majority of the ride to Honolulu, and when I got there, probably the dumbest thought came to me: as I walked from baggage claim to the path to have a smoke, I thought to myself, “gee, it sure looks like the Polynesian Resort Hotel in Disney World.” Duh.
I kinda screwed up my flight stuff, not realizing I had to check in for my puddle jumper plane when I left DC, so I had to rush and get my bags from baggage claim, then get to the smaller plane terminal. I cut it close and panicked quite a bit, but it all worked out.
Dale, Kelsey and I went out drinking in Lahaina last night and it sure did me right by today. I managed to pass the hell out at 10pm after a nearly 24-hour day, woke up at 10am fresh as a daisy and totally in tune to Hawaii time.
The clock is ticking on the internet café and on the happy hour special we’re about to go take advantage of, so enjoy working and I’ll post again soon.